One Night Only: Heartbeats

Heartbeats
"I still don't know how you can drink coffee in this heat, Jay."
Sitting in a Starbucks with his comedian friend Nicholas Holt, Jay sipped on a tall
latte'. Holt was a stocky balding man in his mid-forties who always wore baseball jerseys
and a badly maintained goatee. Holt was the first comedian Jay befriended when he moved
from New York City to Los Angeles. Both came to the Starbucks to escape the sweltering
one hundred degree heat in the coffee house's icy air conditioning.
"I told you before, cold coffee is a sin. As Jacquie would say, 'it's right up there
with telemarketers, pop-up ads and plus-sized tube tops'."
Nick rolled his eyes. "There you go, talking about Jacquie again."
"I can't help it. She's one of the greatest ladies I've ever met. Trust me, she's a
real lady. Ever since I moved in with her, my clothes are always clean and my stomach is
always full."
Nick sipped on his iced mocha. "I bet your dick is always spit-shined, too."
Jay lowed his gaze. "Well, no, definitely no. She has no idea I have a crush on her."
"A crush? C'mon, Jay, this isn't high school. You're deep-shit in love with her."
"I don't know about that."
Nick shook his head in disgust. "Okay then, caveman, answer a couple of questions for
me then. When is her birthday?"
"Fourth of July," Jay replied without hesitation, "she said her dad would buy her
firecrackers every year, and one time she burned a hole in her pants while lighting a
bottle rocket."
"What an image that is. So, what's her favorite color?"
"Green. She says it matches and her eyes and the fields of Ireland. She's been to
Ireland a few times to see her relatives."
"Lucky girl. Favorite food?"
"Lasagna with meat sauce. Her favorite cake is German chocolate and her favorite
movie is anything with Will Ferrell in it." Jay hung his head again. "Holy shinola, Nick,
I am in deep!"
"Deep? Fuck, you're in subterranean territory, pal. You know more about your lady
friend than I know about my wife!" Nick finished his mocha.
"So how did you, y'know, tell your wife you loved her?"
"It's simple. You give Jacquie hugs, right?"
"Only if she hugs me first."
"Well, next time you're hugging, give her a smootch on the lips. If she pulls away,
she's not interested. If she smiles, she's not ready. If she kisses you back, she's not
just a friend. It's as simple as that. Oh, and if she starts biting and it leaves marks,
call the police."
***
Jacquie sat in a nail salon, getting fills done to her acrylic nails and chatting
with the manicurist, a beautiful Cantonese woman named Yi. Yi's salon was a hard-to-find
upper room in Chinatown, but Yi's handiwork was the best quality at an affordable price.
Despite the language barrier, Yi's voice was warm and friendly.
"I know I let them grow out too much, Yi, but I've been busy."
"You admit it, yes. You busy with what?"
"Well, I have a comedy act with another comedian. We're getting bookings all over
L.A. and the surrounding suburbs and towns."
"Oh, good good. What his name?"
"His name is Jay London. He's a very nice guy and he's very funny. He even lives with
me."
"He live with you, yes? He like you?"
"Well, we're very good friends. We go out to eat sometimes, or we go to a movie or a
comedy show, but that's it. We're just friends, that's all."
"That nice. He handsome?"
"To me, he is. He's got those gorgeous brown eyes and he's got nice thick muscles. Oh
and the hair; he's got long curly hair that's very soft. He's got a great personality
too; he's very sweet and laid back. He loves my cooking and he even notices when I clean
the apartment or do his laundry. I swear, when he looks into my eyes, Yi, he's got the
sweetest puppy dog face in the world. Mmmm, he's quite a guy." Jacquie leaned back into
the chair, causing Yi to pull on her arm and causing Jacquie's elbow to pop.
POP!
Yi rubbed Jacquie's elbow. "Oh, so sorry! That hurt?"
"No, but I found out my elbow talks." Jacquie sat back up.
"Look, I manicurist, not brain doctor, but I see more than friends you two."
"What?"
"You love him. Simple."
"Love? Oh, no no no. Well, I don't think we're that far, anyway."
"I do. I married fifteen years, I know love when I see."
Jacquie bit her lip. "How do I know if it's love?"
Yi smiled. "You in trouble, he protect you. He save you in needy time. Man lay life
for woman, woman care for man. It is duty."
Jacquie shot Yi a confused look. "So if, say, I stepped out on a busy street and he
gets hit by the car while pushing me to safety, that's love?"
"If I understand right, yes."
Jacquie smiled. "Well, that's great advice."
"That be five dollar. I put on bill."
***
"I can't get this damn earworm out of my head!"
"An earworm? Should I call the doctor?"
Jay and Jacquie performed to a sold-out crowd in The Monologue, a warehouse-turned-
comedy-club that had its grand opening that night. Jay was in his usual muscle shirt and
overalls while Jacquie wore a white linen babydoll frock and knee-high boots.
"No, Jay, an earworm is a chorus to a song that repeats in your head over and over.
If it's the whole song, that's an ear virus."
"Ear virus...does the CDC know about this? If it spreads to more than one person, is
it an ear pandemic? How about if it speads worldwide, is it an ear epidemic?"
"Yes, Jay, it's an ear-pidemic."
Amisdt the laughter, the two shook hands and gave their farewells; the crowd
responded with a standing ovation. After signing autographs-and signing the club's wall
as a memento-the two headed back to the apartment. Despite the fact that it was night,
the air was still heavy with heat and humidity.
"Sheesh, babe," Jay said as they reached the apartment, "how can you wear boots in
this weather?"
"They go with the dress and I'm used to the humidity from the Michigan
summers...wait, did you just call me 'babe'?"
"Oh! Uh, it slipped. I'm sorry if I offended you."
Jacquie unlocked the door, giving Jay a playful smirk. "No worries. People call me
'babe' all the time, so it's no big deal." Jacquie walked toward the futon while Jay went
toward the kitchen; Jacquie went looking for the cat. "Hello, Gracie! We're home! Hey
Gracie, what'cha got there? AIEEEEK! Drop it, drop it, drop it!"
Hearing the scream, Jay turned to see Gracie bolt toward the refridgerator with a
gray bloody mouse dangling out of her mouth. "Get that fuzzy cat!" Jay gave chase to
Gracie, knocking over various items in the apartment, until the cat spat out the mouse in
the middle of the living room and hid under the futon. The mouse was still breathing and
twitching its limbs; Jacquie convulsed in sheer panic.
"Ohmygod, ohmygod!" Jacquie shrieked, "Oh fuzzy weasels, get rid if it! Get rid of
it!"
Jay grabbed the mouse by the tail, but Jacquie squealed louder. "No, no, no! Don't do
that, it'll bleed on my clean floor! Use a paper towel!"
"Jacquie, it won't bleed on your floor worse than it is!"
"Get rid it before Gracie gets it again!" Jay sighed and scooped up the bloody mouse
mess in a paper towel; the two heard knocking at the front door.
"LAPD!"
"Oh, shinola!" Jay answered the door to see two LAPD officers; Jay let them inside.
"We got a call about a domestic disturbance in here."
"Oh, no no. My girlfriend's cat chewed up a mouse and she got really frightened.
Wanna see?" Jay opened the paper towel to reveal the now-dead mouse and both officers'
faces curdled.
"Oh my, that's quite disgusting. Is that your girlfriend in the other area?"
"Yes, officer." Jacquie walked over, pale in the face and still shaking.
"Ma'am, do you know this gentleman?"
"Yes, yes, we do a comedy show together and he lives here. He didn't hurt me, I was
screaming at the mouse!" One of the officers examined Jacquie while the other saw Gracie
exit from under the futon, licking the blood off of her fur.
"That's the cat, ma'am?"
"Yes, that's my Gracie. Twenty years old and can still catch mice."
The officers scribbled on a notepad; after taking names and signatures, the two began
to leave.
"Okay, you two, we are all set. No more screaming and yelling, okay?"
"You need the mouse?"
"No, no, go ahead and throw that away. Have a good night."
The officers left and Jay tossed the mouse carcass in the trash. After washing his
hands in the bathroom, he looked over to see Jacquie sitting on the futon, no longer
shaking but taking deep breaths to calm herself down.
"Jacquie, you okay?"
"Kinda. I just have a thing against half-dead chewed-up rodents." Her voice was still
shaky. "I hope we don't end up on an episode of COPS."
"If we do, we had our shirts on. C'mere and I'll hug ya." Jay sat down and wrapped
his arms around her; Jacquie put her hands on his shoulder blades. She rested her head in
the soft nest of Jay's hair and felt the warmth of his body and him rubbing her back.
Both of their heartbeats were pounding, hers in fright and his in arousal. "You feeling
better?"
"Yeah. Jay?"
"Yeah?"
Jacquie picked her head up and looked at Jay straight in the face. "Did you mean it
when you told that officer that I was your girlfriend?"
"Well, kinda, I mean..."
"You mean what?"
Jay leaned in and kissed Jacquie on the lips, a warm tingle shot through their
bodies. When he let go, he opened his eyes to see a wide-eyed Jacquie with a grin on her
face. Rats, Jay thought, she isn't ready...
"What was that?!?" she chirped in amusement, "I never felt that good before!"
"That's love." Jay cooed, "and we both love each other."
"If that's the case," Jacquie said as she kissed him on the lips, "all those sappy
love songs on the radio make a lot more sense." The two began French kissing and the
tingle returned stronger than before; lying down on the futon, the two kissed for the
rest of the night. Oblivious to the both of them, Gracie caught another mouse and
shredded it apart under the futon.