One Night Only: Bear

Bear
"Holy shinola! Did you see the size of those skeeters?"
"Those aren't mosquitos, Jay, those are dragonflies."
"Dragonflies? Do they breathe fire and kill knight flies?"
"Save that for the stage, Jay."
Jacquie and Jay walked the nature trails crisscrossing the woods around Mosquito Lake; Jacquie carried a picnic basket and Jay hauled a cooler. The thick canopy of pines and oaks made it hard to see the sky but the lake glistened through the gaps between the tree trunks. The trail wound into a large clearing surrounded by large stones, wildflowers and pine trees; one stone had writing on it. Jacquie spread out a blanket and unpacked the basket as Jay plopped the cooler down on the sunscorched grass and pulled out a beer.
"So this is the spot?"
"Yup, Sarah Charlotte Cove. A perfect spot for a picnic, isn't it?"
"My legs think so," Jay said as he dropped to the ground, nearly spilling his beer. "I
haven't hiked that much since I helped haul a baby grand piano up an eighth floor walkup in Queens."
Jacquie laughed as she bit into her egg salad sandwich. "Walkups don't count as hiking, Jay."
"Well, there's no pine trees in Queens!" Jay retorted as he handed his wife a wine cooler. "So,
what's written on that big rock?"
Jacquie opened the bag of chips, not even looking up at Jay nor the rock. "Wanna know why this
place is called Sarah Charlotte Cove?"
"Why?"
"Well, I don't know if this true or not, but this is what my dad told me." Jacquie bit into the
chips as she talked. "A few cabins down from us lives Mr. Daley; he's one of my Dad's hunting buddies. Back in the late eighties, he held a family reunion up here and a couple of his young nieces found this cove. They wanted to camp out here, so he let them stay here under their aunt's supervision. Well, the next morning, the aunt woke up to find the girls' tent bloody and shredded; but the girls' bodies were gone. Search parties tore this whole place up looking for them, but their bodies were never found. They say a bear got to them searching for food. Anyway, they buried the shredded tent and put that engraved stone there, and since the girls' names were Sarah and Charlotte, this place became Sarah Charlotte Cove."
Jay stared wide-eyed at Jacquie then shook his head. "So, we're eating lunch on a grave."
"Well, kinda sorta. There's no bodies, remember?"
"And there's bears out here?"
"Oh yeah, black bears. Dad and Mr. Daley used to go hunting for them."
A few moments later, the two heard the cracking of sticks and shadows appeared in the woods
behind the rocks. Startled, Jay sprung up and bolted toward the path.
"Hey! Where are you going?"
Jay stopped at the cove's entrance. "I'm outta here!"
"Aren't you forgetting something?"
"You're right." Jay ran back, grabbed the cooler and ran again toward the path. "Hop on my back, hon!"
***
Later that night, with the serenades of the crickets and the owls permeating the air, both
slept soundly with Jacquie nuzzled in Jay's chest. Needing to use the bathroom, Jay carefully slid his wife off of him and stumbled over to the bathroom, nearly tripping over a trash can. He tried to open the bathroom door, but the doorknob wouldn't turn and the door was stuck shut.
"Shinola!" Despite a few more tries and shoves, the door refused to open. Desperate, Jay woke
Jacquie.
"Hon? Hon?"
Jacquie rolled over and rubbed her face. "Whaat?" she snarled.
"I can't get the bathroom door open."
"You woke me over that? Go piss on a tree."
"But won't someone see me?"
"It's midnight in the middle of nowhere, Jay. No one can see you. Now leave me alone!"
Jacquie rolled over and fell back asleep. Finding a trail not too far from the cabin, Jay
hustled until he found a densly foiliated spot and he watered a pine tree with his urine. Okay, I used to piss on dumpsters back when I lived in New York City, but I've never pissed on a tree before...
"Bear! Bear!" Off in the distance, Jay could hear the voices of two girls; one voice was higher
pitched than the other.
"Hon, is that you?" Jay stammered.
"Bear! Bear!"
"Hon?"
"Bear! Bear!" The voices became louder and accompanied by the sound of cracking sticks. Jay looked to his left, only to see a huge dark creature running full-speed and panting torward him. Holy shinola!
"AAAAAAUUUUGH!" Jay screamed as he ran the other way. Stumbling, he fell to the ground but quickly got up, his shorts falling to the ground. Before he could put them back on, the creature lunged at Jay but missed; Jay threw his shorts at the creature and ran as fast as his legs would let him through the nature trails. Only the moon and stars lit up the paths, causing Jay to bump into the occasional tree.
"Bear! Bear!" The girls' voices became louder as Jay looked behind him; two little kids were
running behind the creature waving flashlights. It's the two dead kids from the cove! They're out to kill me with the bear that killed them! Shinola times two!
Up ahead, Jay saw a wooden walkway off to the left side; Jay bolted onto it, finding out it led
into the lake and it had several boards missing. He gasped as the creature also made the left turn and was now heading straight toward him with the flashlighted kids in hot pursuit. As Jay ran across the boards near the middle of the dock, the rotted wood gave way.
"Augh!"
SPLASH!
The cold water stung Jay's skin and the weeds stuck to his body and hair; flailing his arms as
he struggled to stay afloat, both of his legs cramped. "Ow, ow! Help! Someone help me!"
The creature jumped off of the dock and onto Jay's chest, pushing him under the black murky
water.
SPLASH!
Barely able to breathe as he surfaced, Jay fought to get the creature away from him.
"Get...off...me! Help!"
One of the kids pointed a flashlight beam at the tussle. "It's the lake monster! Bear's got the
lake monster! Get 'em, Bear!"
"No, no, no!" Jay gasped as he struggled to surface, the creature continuing to pull him under.
"I'm not...a...monster! He's the...monster...get it...off me!"
"Jay? Jay! Oh fuzzy weasels!"
"Hon?" Fatigued and unable to keep himself afloat, Jay heard splashing from nearby. A few moments later, a pull of his shoulders raised him to the lake surface. Dragged onto the sandy shore, Jay rolled over to see a sopping wet Jacquie, her nightgown clinging to her body. She pounded on his back as he coughed up lake water.
"Jay, Jay! Oh fuzzies, thank god you're alive! I thought you drowned!"
The two kids came over to Jay, only to scream and cover their eyes. "It's the lake monster and
he's naked!"
Jacquie looked over and gasped in suprise. "Holy dancing monkeys, Jay, where in the hell are
your pants?" Jacquie grabbed a couple handfuls of weeds and threw them over Jay's genitals. "Don't tell me you were skinny dipping!"
Jay rolled over on his back and sat up. "No, no, no! I wasn't swimming on purpose, trust me hon. I was out taking a piss in the woods and next thing I know this big black bear was chasing me with those two dead girls from the cove following him!"
Jacquie raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "Wait a minute! Dead girls?"
"Those kids over there!" Jay pointed to the kids, who looked each other in confusion. "They're the girls who got eaten by the bear! Sarah and Charlotte, right?"
"No," one kid chirped, "I'm Stacy and she's Emily. Our dog Bear is in the lake."
"Dog?!?" Stacy shined a flashlight beam towards the lake; a very large hairy black dog sat in the
water chewing the weeds. Jay's jaw dropped as he stood up.
"Aw," Jacquie chimed in, "it's a Newfie dog! They're cool cause they don't bark."
"Wait a minute," Jay snapped, "I was running through the forest in the dead of night, bareass naked with the shinola scared out of me, and it's just two girls and a dog?!?"
"Don't say 'ass' Jay, there's little kids here," Jacquie scolded, but she looked around to find
the girls and Bear gone. "Well, they were here just a second ago."
Both of them looked at each other and bolted towards their cabin. "Next time I have to piss
outside," Jay yelled, "I'm bringing a towel!"