http://www.detnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080519/NATION/805190408
Today in Illinois, a truck carrying 14 tons of Oreos overturned and spilled onto the highway. Officials suggest twisting the mess apart and then dunking it with a milk tanker.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Crashjokes: Math Humor
- Math would be more fun if pi came in different flavors.
- Know why the French are so good at trig? They have a River Sine.
- The root is so lonely for he is mostly a square.
- Cross math with war and you will divide and conquer.
- I was never good at math; I guess I couldn't dance the rhombus.
- How do you get the power to propose to a math geek? Give her a 2^ (two karat) ring.
- I got a new addition on my house; I painted a plus sign on the side.
- Trig is hard for me; I guess I'm on the wrong tangent.
- I needed some divine intervention before a geometry test, so I said, "God, send me an angle!"
- Statistics: It's not just for sports.
- Eucledian geometry: it's all Greek to me!
- If prime numbers exist, are there subprime numbers?
- What is a trig major's favorite sitcom? Sine-feld.
- Would a mathematician consider something easy a "piece of pi"?
- What meat do mathematicians eat? Prime (number) rib.
- Why was the tree so good at math? It had square roots.
- Why was the box so good at math? It had cube roots.
- Age isn't a number, but math is a lot of them.
Crashjokes: A few one-liners
- Don't buy dollar-store fireworks because you won't get much bang for your buck.
- Tip to job hunters: a bookkeeper is not a librarian.
- Chasing dreams can be a nightmare!
- What happens when you do something half-assed twice?
- What do you call a fat person who swims naked?
- Don't irritate a woman wearing pointy-toed pumps.
- I'm so ugly that, for my birthday, I received a gift certificate for a plastic surgeon.
- My hair is so thin I could use it for floss.
- Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone, fart and you get some privacy!
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Crashpost: I wish I said this...
"God is an imaginary friend for grown-ups."-Zarin Bloomer (a classmate of my brother Tim)
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Crashjokes: Famous Last Words
Famous Last Words...
- Trust me, I know what I'm doing!
- I'm a pro at this!
- It worked last time I did this!
- Everything will be fine!
- What's that smell?/Ignore the smell, okay?
- It's nothing major!
- It's a minor setback!
- Hey, you guys, look at this!
- What does this button/knob/lever/switch do?
- Uh oh....
- Oh [swear word]!/Oh my God!
- That looks funny...
- Just jiggle it a little!
- Put in some more juice, that should do the trick!
- Fire!
- Instructions?/What instructions?/I don't need the instructions!
- I can figure this out by myself, okay?
- Whoops, my bad!
- This is gonna be so cool!
- For the record!
- Do it! Do it!
- C'mon, you pansy/wuss/chicken/baby!
- Of course it's a good idea!
- Okay, let 'er rip!
- That wasn't supposed to do happen..../It wasn't supposed to do that...
- Let's do it!
- I'm so drunk/high/wasted...
- No, no, no!/Stop, stop, stop!
- Not that!
- Wait, you forgot something!
- Oh, this dog is very friendly!
- I wouldn't do that if I were you...
- C'mon, big guy, let's see what you got!
- I don't feel so good...
- I saw this on the TV/Internet!
- No, this is crazy!
- You call that dangerous?
- It isn't working!/It won't start!
- Go for it!
- Let's try a practice run...
- Are you sure this is safe?
- Is this thing insured?
- Look out!
- Owww!
- I'd like to see you try!
- I went to school to do this!
- This doesn't look good...
- Recipe? What recipe?
- I laugh in the face of danger!
- Let's videotape this and put it on the TV/Internet!
- Everyone is doing it!It's easy!
- What cord goes where?
- Is that smoke?
- What warranty?
Crashjokes: Bumper Stickers
HONK ALL YOU WANT I'M NOT LISTENING
HONK IF YOU WANT TO BE ANNOYING
HONK IF YOU HATE HONKERS
TRAFFIC SUCKS, DOESN'T IT?
MY BUDDA TIGER ATE YOUR JESUS FISH
JESUS DOESN'T DRIVE WHILE TALKING ON A CELL PHONE
CONTRIBUTING TO GLOBAL WARMING
GREEN IS JUST A COLOR
THE CRAZY TRAIN DERAILED
MY OTHER CAR IS A RUSTBUCKET TOO
MY OTHER CAR IS A LEMON TOO
THE 60S ARE OVER GET RID OF THE TYE DYE
THE 70S ARE OVER GET RID OF THE AFRO
THE 80S ARE OVER GET RID OF THE NEON
THE 90S ARE OVER GET RID OF THE FLANNEL
I :) COMEDIANS
DON'T YOU DARE PIMP THIS CAR
DON'T YOU DARE SCRATCH MY CAR
DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH THIS CAR
DON'T HAVE CHANGE FOR THE CAR WASH
HORN WORKS FINE, I PREFER FINGER
I AM BEYOND ROAD RAGE NOW
I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR HONOR STUDENT
YOUR CANDIDATE LOST SO PEEL OFF THE STICKER
YOU ARE NOT CUTE NOR A FLIRT
BROKEN BLINKER
THIS WAS A CHRISTMAS PRESENT
THIS WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT
YOUR KIDS HATE ME TOO
THE LIGHT IS GREEN, IDIOT!
YES I AM A LOCAL
YES I AM A TOURIST
YES I AM LOST
HONK IF YOU WANT TO BE ANNOYING
HONK IF YOU HATE HONKERS
TRAFFIC SUCKS, DOESN'T IT?
MY BUDDA TIGER ATE YOUR JESUS FISH
JESUS DOESN'T DRIVE WHILE TALKING ON A CELL PHONE
CONTRIBUTING TO GLOBAL WARMING
GREEN IS JUST A COLOR
THE CRAZY TRAIN DERAILED
MY OTHER CAR IS A RUSTBUCKET TOO
MY OTHER CAR IS A LEMON TOO
THE 60S ARE OVER GET RID OF THE TYE DYE
THE 70S ARE OVER GET RID OF THE AFRO
THE 80S ARE OVER GET RID OF THE NEON
THE 90S ARE OVER GET RID OF THE FLANNEL
I :) COMEDIANS
DON'T YOU DARE PIMP THIS CAR
DON'T YOU DARE SCRATCH MY CAR
DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH THIS CAR
DON'T HAVE CHANGE FOR THE CAR WASH
HORN WORKS FINE, I PREFER FINGER
I AM BEYOND ROAD RAGE NOW
I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR HONOR STUDENT
YOUR CANDIDATE LOST SO PEEL OFF THE STICKER
YOU ARE NOT CUTE NOR A FLIRT
BROKEN BLINKER
THIS WAS A CHRISTMAS PRESENT
THIS WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT
YOUR KIDS HATE ME TOO
THE LIGHT IS GREEN, IDIOT!
YES I AM A LOCAL
YES I AM A TOURIST
YES I AM LOST
Crashjokes: Kids
- I was in the hair color aisle of K-Mart, debating whether I should touch up my dark roots. Down the aisle comes a man and a little boy; the boy looks at the man and goes, "Daddy? Why is that lady's hair two different colors?"
Needless to say, I bought a box. - Sometimes when I'm shopping, I leave my sunglasses on. I was at the checkout of Glen's when a boy in front of me shined a keychain flashlight in my face. When his mother told him to stop, he said, "Why Mom? She's already blind."
- Another time while shopping with sunglasses on, a kid in a nearby cart pointed at me and yelled. "Look, Mom! It's Aunt Patty! She got fat!"
- Every now and then at the store, some little kid follows me around. When I stop and ask if the child is lost, the run away yelling "You're not my mommy!"
One time, it was, "You're not my daddy!" - Back in high school and college, I had very short hair. One time at Kmart, a little boy kept staring at me in the pet food aisle. He then pointed at me, looked at his mother and squawked, "Mommy! That man is wearing makeup!"
- I used to work as a busser back in high school; back then I had short hair and I had to clean the bathrooms. More than once, a little kid would look at me and go, "Mom! There's a guy in the girl's bathroom!"
- When I shop for strawberries, I look underneath the carton to check for rotten ones or mold. One time as I was doing this, a little girl sat in the cart next to mine.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"I'm checking the strawberries."
"Oh...are they boys or girls?" - I work as a hotel housekeeper; one room had little kids in it. One day the kids came out while I was working; one looked at her mother and yelled, "Mom! Is that the towel fairy?"
- Sometimes at the hotel, kids would bring stuffed animals with them. When we housekeepers make the beds, we put the animals in goofy poses as a joke. More than once, the kids would go, "Hey! Our animals came to life and we missed it!"
- At our old post office, posters of at-large criminals were on the walls. Once while I stuffed envelopes, a kid pointed at one poster and yelled, "Look, Mom, it's Daddy!"
- I carry a handcart to haul my groceries. One time as I was packing said handcart, a little girl pointed at me and squeaked, "Look, Mommy! A homeless lady!"
Mom's reply? "Now, dear, it's not polite to point!" - I have a Himalayan cat face tattooed on my arm. More than once, some kid would point to it and ask, "Why is there a raccoon on your arm?"
A Girl Named Fritz: Intro
Duct tape...duct tape...where's the duct tape?
I looked around the maze of boxes in my bedroom, trying to find the misplaced roll of duct tape among the box towers. I was on my last box and, sure enough, the little bugger went missing on me. After a short search, my youngest brother Jeremy popped into the room with duct tape roll on hand. Like most of my younger brothers and unlike most ten-year-olds, he was a moose of a kid with swirls of thick blonde hair and a face pocked with huge acne pimples. His t-shirt had an ice cream stain and his jeans had holes in the knees.
"Hey, Fritz, are you looking for this?" He held up the almost-empty roll of tape and the end looked lke it was chewed off.
"Yeah, you numbnut! Why'd you take it?" I snatched the roll out of his hand and returned back to the box.
"I had to fix that hole in the window screen in Derek's room."
"With duct tape? Seriously?" I yanked a strip off of the roll and attempted to close the box with it.
"Yeah, Mom told me to," Jeremy said as he leaned against the door jamb, "she said she wasn't going to spend another thirty bucks on a window screen." He started giggling, and I looked down to find I had duct-taped my hand to the top of the box.
"Aw, damnit!"
"Way to go, Fritz!"
"Shut up and hand me the scissors," I snapped, and he handed me Mom's sewing scissors from a nearby box. I wiggled the blades under the tape and, in one quick cut, my hand was free."My last box, go figure!"
"Guys! Time for dinner!" my mom yelled from across the house, and Jeremy bolted down the hallway. I smmothed the tape back down on the box and followed him, washing my hands in the hallway bathroom on the way to the table. The table was set up with the usual: stoneware plates and Tupperware glasses with mismatched stainless steel flatware. Mike, Devin and Derek were already sitting down and Jeremy was sitting himself down when I came in; the oldest brother, Roger, was at work and wasn't eating. Dad put down his newspaper and made his way to the table as well; Mom put a pot on the center of the table and Devin took the lid off. Tonight's meal was my favorite, called 'Stuff': a mixture of fusilli noodles (or "springy noodles" as we call them), smoked sausage slices, whole baby carrots and corn topped with sharp cheddar cheese.
"Stuff?" he asked, "didn't we have this three days ago?"
"No, that was egg noodles," Mom said as she took a plate. "This is Fritz's last homemade meal before she leaves tomorrow." She emphasized 'last', making her sound like a sheep.
"And I get her room!" yelled Devin.
"No, I do!" Mike retorted.
"It's gonna be my workshop!" Derek chimed in.
"Enough!" Mom yelled.
"Yeah, you twerps," I added, "I haven't even left yet and you guys are fighting over my room."
"Where have you been all summer?" Devin said as he stuffed his face. "We've been at it since your graduation."
"I was working at the Girl Scout camp, remember?" I said as I pushed my bronze-rims back on my nose. "Where'd you think I got all these skeeter bites from? Hell, I came home to, 'It's my room! No, my room!' Nice to know I'm loved around here." I took another forkful of Stuff, but the boys were close to cleaning off their plates. Mom shot me a stern look.
"Hon, you're nineteen years old. It's time to the birdie to fly away from the nest."
I sighed. "Did you say the same thing to Betsy when she moved out?" I shot back as I stuffed my face.
"With her it was 'don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.' Mom lobbed back. "You know she wouldn't shut up about going to Michigan State."
"U of M is better." Devin said.
"Does it matter?" Dad snarled. "I don't care if it's clown school. As long as she's happy with your choice, that's all that matters."
"I am. First it's Lakewood Community College, then I'll see where it goes from there. One step at a time, right?"
"It's better to go to a two-year and see what you want than blow big bucks at a four-year and not know what you want. I wish your sister did that, but you know how bullheaded your sister is."
"Yeah," I said, "you have to get out the red cape whenever she gives an opinion."
All of us chuckled at my joke as they scarfed down the Stuff. After a brief pause, Dad wiped his moustache with a napkin.
"Well, hon," he chimed in, "did you finally finish packing?"
"I just taped up my last box, and I somehow managed to tape my hand to the top of it."
"Maybe that's God's way of telling you that you have too much stuff," Mom said, "the garbagemen and the thrift stores had a field day with your rejects."
"I'm a packrat, what can I say? That's nineteen years of stuff I had to sort through." My stomach churned as I said that.
"At least I got her old stereo," Devin chirped, "I'm gonna hardwire a subwoofer to that sucker!"
"You can't hardwire a record player!" Mike sneered.
"You're not hardwiring anything!" Mom snarled at Devin. "I don't need an eleven-year-old playing with electric."
"Aw c'mon!"
"No!"
I sighed as I finished my plate. "The last thing Mom needs is another stereo vibrating the floors."
After dinner was eaten, I helped Mom clear the table and the boys got up from their chairs; as I went back to my bedroom, I noticed Mike and Derek in there looking at the massive spread of boxes.
"Guys! What are you doing in here?!?"
"Mom said we had to put the stuff that you're keeping under the stairs."
"I told you before, I put that stuff on the bed."
The boys looked at all the boxes on the mattress and their eyes bugged. "All that?!?"
"All that."
"Jeezus! You are helping us!"
"Well, duh! It's my stuff!"
The boys and I started taking boxes off of the bed and down into the crawlspace; my old tabby, Brutus, kept winding around our ankles and meowing; he would occasionally trip one of the boys.
"Yipe! Go away, you damn cat!"
"Don't kick the kitty!" I yelled, then looked at my baby of cat. "Brutus! Not now, okay? Mommy's gotta put all of her stuff away, okay?"
"Too bad you can't take him with you."
"I know, I know, but the dorms don't allow pets. He has to stay here with Grandma and Grandpa and the five idiots."
Devin dropped a box under the crawlspace. "Hey, who's moving your boxes, Fritz?"
"Yeah," Mom yelled from the kitchen as she washed the dishes. "This is not the time to call your brothers idiots!"
"I will if they drop my boxes!" I yelled. After several trips, all of the keeper boxes were put under the crawlspace and Brutus sat in front of them, still mewing. I sat down on the top step and began stroking his marmelade fur; he began to rub his head against my bare shins and hit his tail against the stairwell.
"I told you several times before, Brutus. Mommy is going away for a long, long while and I don't know when I'll be back. Grandma said she'd take care of you and give you lots of hugs and kisses and she'll clean your cat box. I'm gonna miss you, but I'll be back, and when I do come back I'll give ya lots of loving, okay? I promise ya."
Brutus looked at me with his yellow eyes and slowly walked back down the stairs, tail between his legs.
"Apparently he still doesn't want me to go." I sighed and made my way to my semi-bare bedroom; I took my purse-a denim shoulder bag covered with beads, stickers and paint splotches-out of there and went back to Mom, who was now in the living room croceting a blanket as Dad played Solitaire on the computer.
"I'm going to take one last trip to Pine Beach, Mom. I'll be home before dark."
Mom stopped and dropped her hook. "Now? Hon, don't forget we have to load up the car tonight."
"I'll have the boys help me do that when I get home. I want to see one last sunset."
"Okay, but behave and stay out of trouble. No teasing the tourists either."
"Alright, I'll leave the fudgies alone. See ya later!"
I walked out the front door and to the beach, paying closer attention to the neighbors' property. There's Mrs. McCormick and her horde of Shih Tzus, I thought to myself as I walked by, and Mr. Hawkins and his damn near perfect lawn. Heaven forbid you put a foot on it or else he chases you with a rake. There's Barb with her lawn gnomes...the flamingo pink house...and there's the Barry twins working on their motorcycles, again...hey, there's John Ford! I guess that hip replacement finally healed up...and there's Dexter destroying yet another tennis ball. I remember when he was a puppy...
I finally made my way to Pine Beach; it was a long strip of rocky zebra-mussel-speckled sand with a playground, a pavillion, a snack bar and a pier. The concrete pier had a lighthouse at the end and a circlepath in the middle; the middle of the circlepath was a rocky water hole that was a favorite (and illegal) diving spot for teenagers. Large boulders lined the breakwater side of the pier and were a favorite place for kids to climb on. Lake Michigan lapped at the beach and several people were bent over in the sand, looking for shells, beach glass and Petoskey stones. A few kids played on the playground and several sunbathers laid on blankets or towels; a few kids dived into the water hole before they were chased away by police. I made my way onto the pier, where several people were taking pictures or waiting for the oncoming sunset, and looked down into the now almost-still water. Suprisingly, I could see my reflection: a half-kid-half-woman with pixie-cut purple-streaked brown hair, brown eyes hiding behind glasses, ears dripping with homemade jewelry and wearing a vintage Ted Nugent tee shirt over faded green cargo shorts.
"Any fish down there?"
I looked over to see an elderly guy in a motorized wheelchair holding a bucket in one hand and a fishing reel in the other, his hat said "Hoof Arted?". "No, sir," I replied. "Unless you're fishing for seaweed or rocks."
"Damnit." He said and he sped off down the pier. Hands in my pockets, I walked slowly down the pier. Well, I thought, after tonight, I won't have to use that tired old line anymore. Hell, I won't even have to see fishermen anymore...or the kids jumping into the waterhole...or people like those two lovebirds macking under the lighthouse. Nope, I'll be on my way to Lakewood and away from the brothers and the folks and the fudgies. I can do whatever I want, wear whatever I want, and listen to whatever I want and nobody can stop me except me. It's gonna be the best years of my life, and if they aren't, I'm doing something wrong!
I made by way down to the lighthouse and leaned on the railing as the sun began its slow descent into the horizon below. The pier was already crowded with sightseers and late-season fudgies. The sky was streaked with oranges, pinks and reds; several low-lying clouds became tinted with magenta. Several people whipped out their cameras and oohed at the spectacle, but I just leaned my arm against the railing and kept quiet.
"Sure is pretty isn't it?"
"What?" I looked over to see some fudgie my age standing right behind me, holding a very slim silver digital camera and trying to focus on the sunset.
"I said it sure is pretty."
"These sunsets always are. I see them all the time."
"Really? Lucky you!"
Just then, his arm bumped the railing and the camera fell out of his hands; he tried the grab the camera in midfall, but he missed and it tumbled down into the breakwater's rocks.
"Oh, shit! My camera!" He tried to squeeze between the railing's gaps, but he couldn't fit. "Jesus Christ, I just bought that thing! $700!"
"Whoa, that much?" I looked down into the rocks and spotted a sliver of silver. "Hold on a sec, I think I see it!" I climbed over the railing and down over the rocks; since the rocks were loosely chunked together, there were a lot of gaps and cracks. After a short search, I found the camera in a crevice just a few inches from a pool of algae-laden water. Still in one piece and badly scratched, the camera's battery door had popped open and the batteries were missing.
"Found it!"
"Oh, dear god! Does it still work?!?"
"I can't tell!" I climbed back up the rocks, tucking the camera into one of my cargo pockets in my shorts. "The batteries popped out!"
"Oh shit, I hope I have fresh ones!" I handed him his camera as I neared the railing; he showered me with thank-yous as he popped his last pair of AAA batteries back into the camera. By the time I got back on the pier, most of the sun had dipped below the horizon.
Well, I thought as I wiped off my legs and sneakers; one thing I won't miss when I go to Lakewood is chasing fudgies' cameras out of the breakwater. Hopefully, the only thing I will be chasing is grades and boys...and I'll go to parties and concerts and do it all by myself. Lakewood's gonna be the best ever, and it all starts in the morning. I can't wait!
I looked around the maze of boxes in my bedroom, trying to find the misplaced roll of duct tape among the box towers. I was on my last box and, sure enough, the little bugger went missing on me. After a short search, my youngest brother Jeremy popped into the room with duct tape roll on hand. Like most of my younger brothers and unlike most ten-year-olds, he was a moose of a kid with swirls of thick blonde hair and a face pocked with huge acne pimples. His t-shirt had an ice cream stain and his jeans had holes in the knees.
"Hey, Fritz, are you looking for this?" He held up the almost-empty roll of tape and the end looked lke it was chewed off.
"Yeah, you numbnut! Why'd you take it?" I snatched the roll out of his hand and returned back to the box.
"I had to fix that hole in the window screen in Derek's room."
"With duct tape? Seriously?" I yanked a strip off of the roll and attempted to close the box with it.
"Yeah, Mom told me to," Jeremy said as he leaned against the door jamb, "she said she wasn't going to spend another thirty bucks on a window screen." He started giggling, and I looked down to find I had duct-taped my hand to the top of the box.
"Aw, damnit!"
"Way to go, Fritz!"
"Shut up and hand me the scissors," I snapped, and he handed me Mom's sewing scissors from a nearby box. I wiggled the blades under the tape and, in one quick cut, my hand was free."My last box, go figure!"
"Guys! Time for dinner!" my mom yelled from across the house, and Jeremy bolted down the hallway. I smmothed the tape back down on the box and followed him, washing my hands in the hallway bathroom on the way to the table. The table was set up with the usual: stoneware plates and Tupperware glasses with mismatched stainless steel flatware. Mike, Devin and Derek were already sitting down and Jeremy was sitting himself down when I came in; the oldest brother, Roger, was at work and wasn't eating. Dad put down his newspaper and made his way to the table as well; Mom put a pot on the center of the table and Devin took the lid off. Tonight's meal was my favorite, called 'Stuff': a mixture of fusilli noodles (or "springy noodles" as we call them), smoked sausage slices, whole baby carrots and corn topped with sharp cheddar cheese.
"Stuff?" he asked, "didn't we have this three days ago?"
"No, that was egg noodles," Mom said as she took a plate. "This is Fritz's last homemade meal before she leaves tomorrow." She emphasized 'last', making her sound like a sheep.
"And I get her room!" yelled Devin.
"No, I do!" Mike retorted.
"It's gonna be my workshop!" Derek chimed in.
"Enough!" Mom yelled.
"Yeah, you twerps," I added, "I haven't even left yet and you guys are fighting over my room."
"Where have you been all summer?" Devin said as he stuffed his face. "We've been at it since your graduation."
"I was working at the Girl Scout camp, remember?" I said as I pushed my bronze-rims back on my nose. "Where'd you think I got all these skeeter bites from? Hell, I came home to, 'It's my room! No, my room!' Nice to know I'm loved around here." I took another forkful of Stuff, but the boys were close to cleaning off their plates. Mom shot me a stern look.
"Hon, you're nineteen years old. It's time to the birdie to fly away from the nest."
I sighed. "Did you say the same thing to Betsy when she moved out?" I shot back as I stuffed my face.
"With her it was 'don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.' Mom lobbed back. "You know she wouldn't shut up about going to Michigan State."
"U of M is better." Devin said.
"Does it matter?" Dad snarled. "I don't care if it's clown school. As long as she's happy with your choice, that's all that matters."
"I am. First it's Lakewood Community College, then I'll see where it goes from there. One step at a time, right?"
"It's better to go to a two-year and see what you want than blow big bucks at a four-year and not know what you want. I wish your sister did that, but you know how bullheaded your sister is."
"Yeah," I said, "you have to get out the red cape whenever she gives an opinion."
All of us chuckled at my joke as they scarfed down the Stuff. After a brief pause, Dad wiped his moustache with a napkin.
"Well, hon," he chimed in, "did you finally finish packing?"
"I just taped up my last box, and I somehow managed to tape my hand to the top of it."
"Maybe that's God's way of telling you that you have too much stuff," Mom said, "the garbagemen and the thrift stores had a field day with your rejects."
"I'm a packrat, what can I say? That's nineteen years of stuff I had to sort through." My stomach churned as I said that.
"At least I got her old stereo," Devin chirped, "I'm gonna hardwire a subwoofer to that sucker!"
"You can't hardwire a record player!" Mike sneered.
"You're not hardwiring anything!" Mom snarled at Devin. "I don't need an eleven-year-old playing with electric."
"Aw c'mon!"
"No!"
I sighed as I finished my plate. "The last thing Mom needs is another stereo vibrating the floors."
After dinner was eaten, I helped Mom clear the table and the boys got up from their chairs; as I went back to my bedroom, I noticed Mike and Derek in there looking at the massive spread of boxes.
"Guys! What are you doing in here?!?"
"Mom said we had to put the stuff that you're keeping under the stairs."
"I told you before, I put that stuff on the bed."
The boys looked at all the boxes on the mattress and their eyes bugged. "All that?!?"
"All that."
"Jeezus! You are helping us!"
"Well, duh! It's my stuff!"
The boys and I started taking boxes off of the bed and down into the crawlspace; my old tabby, Brutus, kept winding around our ankles and meowing; he would occasionally trip one of the boys.
"Yipe! Go away, you damn cat!"
"Don't kick the kitty!" I yelled, then looked at my baby of cat. "Brutus! Not now, okay? Mommy's gotta put all of her stuff away, okay?"
"Too bad you can't take him with you."
"I know, I know, but the dorms don't allow pets. He has to stay here with Grandma and Grandpa and the five idiots."
Devin dropped a box under the crawlspace. "Hey, who's moving your boxes, Fritz?"
"Yeah," Mom yelled from the kitchen as she washed the dishes. "This is not the time to call your brothers idiots!"
"I will if they drop my boxes!" I yelled. After several trips, all of the keeper boxes were put under the crawlspace and Brutus sat in front of them, still mewing. I sat down on the top step and began stroking his marmelade fur; he began to rub his head against my bare shins and hit his tail against the stairwell.
"I told you several times before, Brutus. Mommy is going away for a long, long while and I don't know when I'll be back. Grandma said she'd take care of you and give you lots of hugs and kisses and she'll clean your cat box. I'm gonna miss you, but I'll be back, and when I do come back I'll give ya lots of loving, okay? I promise ya."
Brutus looked at me with his yellow eyes and slowly walked back down the stairs, tail between his legs.
"Apparently he still doesn't want me to go." I sighed and made my way to my semi-bare bedroom; I took my purse-a denim shoulder bag covered with beads, stickers and paint splotches-out of there and went back to Mom, who was now in the living room croceting a blanket as Dad played Solitaire on the computer.
"I'm going to take one last trip to Pine Beach, Mom. I'll be home before dark."
Mom stopped and dropped her hook. "Now? Hon, don't forget we have to load up the car tonight."
"I'll have the boys help me do that when I get home. I want to see one last sunset."
"Okay, but behave and stay out of trouble. No teasing the tourists either."
"Alright, I'll leave the fudgies alone. See ya later!"
I walked out the front door and to the beach, paying closer attention to the neighbors' property. There's Mrs. McCormick and her horde of Shih Tzus, I thought to myself as I walked by, and Mr. Hawkins and his damn near perfect lawn. Heaven forbid you put a foot on it or else he chases you with a rake. There's Barb with her lawn gnomes...the flamingo pink house...and there's the Barry twins working on their motorcycles, again...hey, there's John Ford! I guess that hip replacement finally healed up...and there's Dexter destroying yet another tennis ball. I remember when he was a puppy...
I finally made my way to Pine Beach; it was a long strip of rocky zebra-mussel-speckled sand with a playground, a pavillion, a snack bar and a pier. The concrete pier had a lighthouse at the end and a circlepath in the middle; the middle of the circlepath was a rocky water hole that was a favorite (and illegal) diving spot for teenagers. Large boulders lined the breakwater side of the pier and were a favorite place for kids to climb on. Lake Michigan lapped at the beach and several people were bent over in the sand, looking for shells, beach glass and Petoskey stones. A few kids played on the playground and several sunbathers laid on blankets or towels; a few kids dived into the water hole before they were chased away by police. I made my way onto the pier, where several people were taking pictures or waiting for the oncoming sunset, and looked down into the now almost-still water. Suprisingly, I could see my reflection: a half-kid-half-woman with pixie-cut purple-streaked brown hair, brown eyes hiding behind glasses, ears dripping with homemade jewelry and wearing a vintage Ted Nugent tee shirt over faded green cargo shorts.
"Any fish down there?"
I looked over to see an elderly guy in a motorized wheelchair holding a bucket in one hand and a fishing reel in the other, his hat said "Hoof Arted?". "No, sir," I replied. "Unless you're fishing for seaweed or rocks."
"Damnit." He said and he sped off down the pier. Hands in my pockets, I walked slowly down the pier. Well, I thought, after tonight, I won't have to use that tired old line anymore. Hell, I won't even have to see fishermen anymore...or the kids jumping into the waterhole...or people like those two lovebirds macking under the lighthouse. Nope, I'll be on my way to Lakewood and away from the brothers and the folks and the fudgies. I can do whatever I want, wear whatever I want, and listen to whatever I want and nobody can stop me except me. It's gonna be the best years of my life, and if they aren't, I'm doing something wrong!
I made by way down to the lighthouse and leaned on the railing as the sun began its slow descent into the horizon below. The pier was already crowded with sightseers and late-season fudgies. The sky was streaked with oranges, pinks and reds; several low-lying clouds became tinted with magenta. Several people whipped out their cameras and oohed at the spectacle, but I just leaned my arm against the railing and kept quiet.
"Sure is pretty isn't it?"
"What?" I looked over to see some fudgie my age standing right behind me, holding a very slim silver digital camera and trying to focus on the sunset.
"I said it sure is pretty."
"These sunsets always are. I see them all the time."
"Really? Lucky you!"
Just then, his arm bumped the railing and the camera fell out of his hands; he tried the grab the camera in midfall, but he missed and it tumbled down into the breakwater's rocks.
"Oh, shit! My camera!" He tried to squeeze between the railing's gaps, but he couldn't fit. "Jesus Christ, I just bought that thing! $700!"
"Whoa, that much?" I looked down into the rocks and spotted a sliver of silver. "Hold on a sec, I think I see it!" I climbed over the railing and down over the rocks; since the rocks were loosely chunked together, there were a lot of gaps and cracks. After a short search, I found the camera in a crevice just a few inches from a pool of algae-laden water. Still in one piece and badly scratched, the camera's battery door had popped open and the batteries were missing.
"Found it!"
"Oh, dear god! Does it still work?!?"
"I can't tell!" I climbed back up the rocks, tucking the camera into one of my cargo pockets in my shorts. "The batteries popped out!"
"Oh shit, I hope I have fresh ones!" I handed him his camera as I neared the railing; he showered me with thank-yous as he popped his last pair of AAA batteries back into the camera. By the time I got back on the pier, most of the sun had dipped below the horizon.
Well, I thought as I wiped off my legs and sneakers; one thing I won't miss when I go to Lakewood is chasing fudgies' cameras out of the breakwater. Hopefully, the only thing I will be chasing is grades and boys...and I'll go to parties and concerts and do it all by myself. Lakewood's gonna be the best ever, and it all starts in the morning. I can't wait!
One Night Only: A Girl's Best Friend
A Girl's Best Friend
"And she took her top off?"
"Yea, she didn't even think twice about it. She just whipped it right off."
"Shit, Jay, your girl is fucking crazy."
Jay and Nicholas Holt sat in a crowded bar in downtown Los Angeles drinking scotches; sitting next to the windows, they could see the pouring rain and lightning from the storm outside and the stranded pedestrians trying to to get out of it. As Jay took a sip of his scotch, his cell phone rang.
"Hold that thought, Nick," Jay said as he opened his phone.
"Hello?"
"Jay, honey, where are you?" It was Jacquie, her voice sounded trembly and shaky.
"I'm downtown, sweetheart. What's wrong? Why ya crying?"Jacquie started bawling into the phone, all Jay could hear was "died".
"Died? Who died?"
More sobbing could be heard and then the line went dead. Jay hung up the phone and got up quickly.
"What's going on, Jay?"
Jay threw on his coat and drank the rest of his scotch. "Somebody died and Jacquie is really upset. I gotta go."
"Hey, man, what about..."
Before Nick could finish, Jay threw a twenty on the table and dashed out of the bar. As Jay caught the last west-bound bus, the wind picked up amist the downpour, sending sheets of rain into the traffic and hail pounded against the bus's roof. From inside the packed bus, Jay attempted to call Jacquie three times, but static was all he got on the other end.
"Damnit, Jacquie, answer the phone!" At the stop, Jay dashed into the pouring rain and entered his home completely soaked. Jacquie sat on the couch, drinking red wine and draining a box of tissues. She wore a black silk pajama set and no glasses.
"Honey, is that you?" she sniffed as she got up off the couch and ran over to Jay. She threw his arms around him, then pulled away in shock.
"Ohmygod, you're sopping wet!"
"Had to book it from the bus stop in this nasty storm." Jay said as he hustled into the bathroom and peeled off his clothes.
"Are you okay?"
"No, no, no," Jacquie whined as she sat back down on the couch. "I've been a fuzzy mess all night. Gracie died."
Jay's jaw dropped as he threw on a bathrobe and grabbed a towel to dry his hair. "Gracie died?" "Yeah, she hadn't moved in her kitty bed for awhile, so I bent down to pet her and she was all stiff..."Jacquie started crying; Jay walked over and held her in his arms.
"Oh, there there, hon," Jay said, "At least she went peacefully. She was an old kitty, what, twenty-something?"
"Twenty-two, but she was my baby..."
Jacquie sobbed heartily in Jay's arms; a few hours later, both of them fell asleep on the couch. Jay's cell phone went off, and after some hunting to find it, answered to Nick on the other end of the line.
"Jay? What the hell?"
"Nick?"
"Yeah, caveman, what the hell happened?"
"Well, it turned out the cat died and..." Jay got up off the couch, Jacquie slid off of him and dangled off of the couch's side.
"Cat? That ancient cat? You left your buddy at the bar and went into a hailstorm for a goddamn cat?!?"
"Hey, I didn't know it was the cat that died, okay?" Jay went into the kitchen to get a snack. "Jacquie was crying and, well, I had to help her."
Nick sighed. "Shit, you are more whipped than a dominatrix victim, Jay. Hell, she cooks and cleans and does your laundry, I'm suprised you two aren't married yet. You've been dating, hell, three years?"
"Two years, and I have been seriously thinking about popping the..."
Jay turned on the light and opened the freezer; inside was Gracie neatly wrapped in plastic wrap. Jay screamed and stumbled over the kitchen chairs, hitting his forehead on the corner of one. Jacquie woke up and dashed to the kitchen to find Jay with a bumped-up forehead sprawled on the kitchen floor. She gasped tried to shake him awake.
"Jay, honey? Are you alright? Jay, Jay?"
Jay woke to find Jacquie blotting his head with a cold wet towel.
"Jacquie, honey, why is Gracie in the freezer?"
"She's guarding the ice cream."
"Whaaaat?!"
"No no, I'm just kidding. I'm keeping her in there until the storm blows over so we can bury her."
Jacquie closed the freezer and helped Jay to his feet. "You seriously didn't think I'd deep freeze my cat, did you?"
"Well, either that or make a casserole out of her."
Jacquie took the towel and threw it at Jay's head.
***
"Are you finding what you need, sir?"
"I'm just looking, thanks."
While Jacquie attended a bridal shower for a fellow comedian friend, Jay browsed all of the jewelry stores in a galleria to find the perfect engagement ring. All of the stores were the same: overly friendly salesclerks, grey tweed carpet, bright lights and overpriced rings that didn't catch Jay's eye. Taking a deep sigh, Jay left the last jewelry store and walked toward the exit; however, a huge crowd in one area caught Jay's attention. A banner over a pet supply store read: Los Angeles ASPCA and PetCo Presents/Cat Adoption Day and the central area was lined with cages of cats of all colors, sizes and ages.
"Good thing Jacquie isn't down here." Jay said as he walked by the kitten cages, "She'd buy every cat in this place."
However, one little kitten caught Jay's eye: a orange ball of tabby fluff with moss green eyes and white feet. Peeking down into the cage, Jay poked his finger through the bars, only to have the kitten walk over and start swatting at Jay's hair and licking Jay's finger.
"Please don't put your finger in the cage, sir!" Jay looked over to see a young woman walking over to him; her highlighted hair up in a very messy bun. "Did you find one you like?"
"Can I see that little orange guy with the socks?"
"Sure! Let's see...he's Oliver and he's eight weeks old. Found in a dumpster with his siblings." The woman pulled Oliver out of the cage and handed him to Jay, Oliver continued with his hair swatting and then curled into Jay's chest, purring. Jay smiled.
"Awww, my girlfriend likes to do that too. Come to think of it, you do look a lot like her."
"Is he a keeper, sir?" Jay looked down at the purring furball and Oliver cocked his head to one side.
"Absolutely."
"That's great, sir!" After filling out the paperwork and paying the fees, Jay was given a cardboard box with Oliver inside, and free bags of kitten food and cat litter. Passing through one of the jewelry stores on the way out, an idea popped into Jay's head.
"Sir, may I help you?"Jay pulled Oliver out of the box.
"Can I get a bracelet that fits around his neck?"
***
Later that evening, Jay pulled off his barrage of one-liners at the Comedy Store; Oliver sat in his box backstage out of Jacquie's view. Jay's voice was shaky and he sweated more than usual. By the time Jay concluded his act and left the stage, his shirt was drenched. Eager to check up on Oliver in the club's green room, Jay arrived to find club manager Ron Huebel and a club employee holding Oliver's box and investigating it. Huebel was a balding muscular man in his forties, the employee was a redheaded boy barely out of his teens.
"Hey guys, that's my box."
"Your box?" Ron answered, "Well, that solves one mystery."
"Yeah, there's a kitten named Oliver in there and I'm gonna pop the question to Jacquie with him."
Both Huebel and the redhead looked into the box. "What kitten?"
"Well, there's a orange kitten in there..." Jay walked over and peered into the box, only a jingle ball and a blanket were inside. A lump formed in his throat and his stomach dropped to his ankles; he sat down and hung his head.
"Aw, hell no! No, no, no! That little shinola is gone and so is that $700 bracelet on his neck!"
Huebel threw the box down. "Seven hundred dollars? Shit, Jay! Look, we got twenty minutes before the tandem act. I'll get Martin here and the other employees to look for your cat and I'll get Jacquie to do a mini-bit in the Belly Room. He's orange, right?"
"Orange with stripes and white paws. The bracelet is diamonds with sapa, sappy...they're blue stones, I forgot what they're called."
"Okay, got it. Martin, get the others and hustle!"
Over the next twenty minutes, Jay and the employees slunk through the huge crowd trying to find Oliver, but Jay was bombarded with requests for pictures and autographs. By the time he was able to break free from the crowd, the tandem act was scheduled to begin; the employees reported back with sad faces and empty hands. Jay's heart pounded in his chest.
"Ladies and gentlemen, together at last, The Londons!"
Applause broke out as Jacquie and Jay came from stage left, Jacquie's red and black Asian print dress providing a stark contrast to Jay's drab green overalls. Sitting on their stools, Jacquie took a look at Jay's sweaty face."Jeez, Jay, you're sweating more than hooker in a confessional!"
Laughter echoed throughout the room as Jay scrambled for an excuse. "Well, that's the last time I eat your five alarm chili before I go onstage."
"After the beans kick in, it'll be a six alarm HAZMAT alert in the bathrooms. They'll need to bring in Lysol by the keg."
"Now, hon, we have to keep it clean for those nice ladies in the front row." Cheers came from the Red Hat Ladies sitting up front.
"Oooh, Red Hatters! I love Hatters! I'm suprised the people behind you aren't complaining. Y'know, like those times you go into a bar and some doofus with one of those beer dispensing helmets is blocking the view of the TV."
"Jacquie, you OWN one of those helmets!" More laughter broke out.
"Hey, it's a collector's item, unlike your various assortment of dust bunnies under your bed."
"At least they're dust bunnies and not Playboy bunnies."
"No, that's in your closet, along with your dust Hustlers."
The exchange continued for twenty minutes, with the Oliver-hunting employees darting through the dark and manuevering through the crowd, but turning up nothing. Huebel gave the cue to close the show, but Jacquie looked stage right and gave out a loud squeal.
"AWWW, He's so CUUUTE!"
Jay looked over to see Oliver running onstage, chasing and swatting the microphone cord; the bracelet's numerous stones sparkled under the stage lights. Before anybody could move, Jacquie ran over and picked him up. Jay began to sweat more and his heart pounded faster.
"Aren't you just the sweetest wittle thing ever, with those eyes and wittle ears and I think my voice is stuck in high-pitched cute mode!"Jay scrambled for a line.
"And I think my ears are stuck in hurt mode."
Jacquie shot a smirk at Jay. "That's why they invented aspirin." She looked back at Oliver. "Oh and look at your sparkly collar! You'd surprise the alley cats with your style!"
Noticing Huebel desperately making the cut-off cue, Jay took a hard swallow. "Yeah, he's a great suprise, just like you were in my life."
"Eh?"
Jay took the bracelet off of Oliver and bent down in front of Jacquie. "I got a surprise of my own, hon. Jacquie Sue Hemlock, will you marry me?"
Jacquie let out a gasp of shock and so did the crowd; Jay looped the bracelet over her wrist and adjusted the bracelet to fit. The crowd stood silent.
"Well, Jay," Jacquie stammered, "do we get to keep the kitty?"
"Of course, Oliver here was a lonely guy who needed some love, just like I was when I met you."
Oliver let out a hearty mew that revereberated through the silence.
"I think he gave you your answer, Jay."
"I want to hear it out of your mouth."Jacquie looked at the crowd and then at Jay. "I can't let you guys down. Yes, Jay, I'll marry you."
The room erupted in cheers and applause; the two kissed as a closer. "Thank you everyone, thank you and good night!"
Walking backstage with Oliver in hand, Jacquie wrapped her free arm around Jay's waist. "This is definitely the best surprise I've ever gotten, Jay! How'd you think of it?"
"Well," Jay said sheepishly, "it just came to me."
Jacquie smiled. "It's a lot more unique that just a ring."
"So what if I gave you just a ring?""I would've told you I'd have to think it over."
"And she took her top off?"
"Yea, she didn't even think twice about it. She just whipped it right off."
"Shit, Jay, your girl is fucking crazy."
Jay and Nicholas Holt sat in a crowded bar in downtown Los Angeles drinking scotches; sitting next to the windows, they could see the pouring rain and lightning from the storm outside and the stranded pedestrians trying to to get out of it. As Jay took a sip of his scotch, his cell phone rang.
"Hold that thought, Nick," Jay said as he opened his phone.
"Hello?"
"Jay, honey, where are you?" It was Jacquie, her voice sounded trembly and shaky.
"I'm downtown, sweetheart. What's wrong? Why ya crying?"Jacquie started bawling into the phone, all Jay could hear was "died".
"Died? Who died?"
More sobbing could be heard and then the line went dead. Jay hung up the phone and got up quickly.
"What's going on, Jay?"
Jay threw on his coat and drank the rest of his scotch. "Somebody died and Jacquie is really upset. I gotta go."
"Hey, man, what about..."
Before Nick could finish, Jay threw a twenty on the table and dashed out of the bar. As Jay caught the last west-bound bus, the wind picked up amist the downpour, sending sheets of rain into the traffic and hail pounded against the bus's roof. From inside the packed bus, Jay attempted to call Jacquie three times, but static was all he got on the other end.
"Damnit, Jacquie, answer the phone!" At the stop, Jay dashed into the pouring rain and entered his home completely soaked. Jacquie sat on the couch, drinking red wine and draining a box of tissues. She wore a black silk pajama set and no glasses.
"Honey, is that you?" she sniffed as she got up off the couch and ran over to Jay. She threw his arms around him, then pulled away in shock.
"Ohmygod, you're sopping wet!"
"Had to book it from the bus stop in this nasty storm." Jay said as he hustled into the bathroom and peeled off his clothes.
"Are you okay?"
"No, no, no," Jacquie whined as she sat back down on the couch. "I've been a fuzzy mess all night. Gracie died."
Jay's jaw dropped as he threw on a bathrobe and grabbed a towel to dry his hair. "Gracie died?" "Yeah, she hadn't moved in her kitty bed for awhile, so I bent down to pet her and she was all stiff..."Jacquie started crying; Jay walked over and held her in his arms.
"Oh, there there, hon," Jay said, "At least she went peacefully. She was an old kitty, what, twenty-something?"
"Twenty-two, but she was my baby..."
Jacquie sobbed heartily in Jay's arms; a few hours later, both of them fell asleep on the couch. Jay's cell phone went off, and after some hunting to find it, answered to Nick on the other end of the line.
"Jay? What the hell?"
"Nick?"
"Yeah, caveman, what the hell happened?"
"Well, it turned out the cat died and..." Jay got up off the couch, Jacquie slid off of him and dangled off of the couch's side.
"Cat? That ancient cat? You left your buddy at the bar and went into a hailstorm for a goddamn cat?!?"
"Hey, I didn't know it was the cat that died, okay?" Jay went into the kitchen to get a snack. "Jacquie was crying and, well, I had to help her."
Nick sighed. "Shit, you are more whipped than a dominatrix victim, Jay. Hell, she cooks and cleans and does your laundry, I'm suprised you two aren't married yet. You've been dating, hell, three years?"
"Two years, and I have been seriously thinking about popping the..."
Jay turned on the light and opened the freezer; inside was Gracie neatly wrapped in plastic wrap. Jay screamed and stumbled over the kitchen chairs, hitting his forehead on the corner of one. Jacquie woke up and dashed to the kitchen to find Jay with a bumped-up forehead sprawled on the kitchen floor. She gasped tried to shake him awake.
"Jay, honey? Are you alright? Jay, Jay?"
Jay woke to find Jacquie blotting his head with a cold wet towel.
"Jacquie, honey, why is Gracie in the freezer?"
"She's guarding the ice cream."
"Whaaaat?!"
"No no, I'm just kidding. I'm keeping her in there until the storm blows over so we can bury her."
Jacquie closed the freezer and helped Jay to his feet. "You seriously didn't think I'd deep freeze my cat, did you?"
"Well, either that or make a casserole out of her."
Jacquie took the towel and threw it at Jay's head.
***
"Are you finding what you need, sir?"
"I'm just looking, thanks."
While Jacquie attended a bridal shower for a fellow comedian friend, Jay browsed all of the jewelry stores in a galleria to find the perfect engagement ring. All of the stores were the same: overly friendly salesclerks, grey tweed carpet, bright lights and overpriced rings that didn't catch Jay's eye. Taking a deep sigh, Jay left the last jewelry store and walked toward the exit; however, a huge crowd in one area caught Jay's attention. A banner over a pet supply store read: Los Angeles ASPCA and PetCo Presents/Cat Adoption Day and the central area was lined with cages of cats of all colors, sizes and ages.
"Good thing Jacquie isn't down here." Jay said as he walked by the kitten cages, "She'd buy every cat in this place."
However, one little kitten caught Jay's eye: a orange ball of tabby fluff with moss green eyes and white feet. Peeking down into the cage, Jay poked his finger through the bars, only to have the kitten walk over and start swatting at Jay's hair and licking Jay's finger.
"Please don't put your finger in the cage, sir!" Jay looked over to see a young woman walking over to him; her highlighted hair up in a very messy bun. "Did you find one you like?"
"Can I see that little orange guy with the socks?"
"Sure! Let's see...he's Oliver and he's eight weeks old. Found in a dumpster with his siblings." The woman pulled Oliver out of the cage and handed him to Jay, Oliver continued with his hair swatting and then curled into Jay's chest, purring. Jay smiled.
"Awww, my girlfriend likes to do that too. Come to think of it, you do look a lot like her."
"Is he a keeper, sir?" Jay looked down at the purring furball and Oliver cocked his head to one side.
"Absolutely."
"That's great, sir!" After filling out the paperwork and paying the fees, Jay was given a cardboard box with Oliver inside, and free bags of kitten food and cat litter. Passing through one of the jewelry stores on the way out, an idea popped into Jay's head.
"Sir, may I help you?"Jay pulled Oliver out of the box.
"Can I get a bracelet that fits around his neck?"
***
Later that evening, Jay pulled off his barrage of one-liners at the Comedy Store; Oliver sat in his box backstage out of Jacquie's view. Jay's voice was shaky and he sweated more than usual. By the time Jay concluded his act and left the stage, his shirt was drenched. Eager to check up on Oliver in the club's green room, Jay arrived to find club manager Ron Huebel and a club employee holding Oliver's box and investigating it. Huebel was a balding muscular man in his forties, the employee was a redheaded boy barely out of his teens.
"Hey guys, that's my box."
"Your box?" Ron answered, "Well, that solves one mystery."
"Yeah, there's a kitten named Oliver in there and I'm gonna pop the question to Jacquie with him."
Both Huebel and the redhead looked into the box. "What kitten?"
"Well, there's a orange kitten in there..." Jay walked over and peered into the box, only a jingle ball and a blanket were inside. A lump formed in his throat and his stomach dropped to his ankles; he sat down and hung his head.
"Aw, hell no! No, no, no! That little shinola is gone and so is that $700 bracelet on his neck!"
Huebel threw the box down. "Seven hundred dollars? Shit, Jay! Look, we got twenty minutes before the tandem act. I'll get Martin here and the other employees to look for your cat and I'll get Jacquie to do a mini-bit in the Belly Room. He's orange, right?"
"Orange with stripes and white paws. The bracelet is diamonds with sapa, sappy...they're blue stones, I forgot what they're called."
"Okay, got it. Martin, get the others and hustle!"
Over the next twenty minutes, Jay and the employees slunk through the huge crowd trying to find Oliver, but Jay was bombarded with requests for pictures and autographs. By the time he was able to break free from the crowd, the tandem act was scheduled to begin; the employees reported back with sad faces and empty hands. Jay's heart pounded in his chest.
"Ladies and gentlemen, together at last, The Londons!"
Applause broke out as Jacquie and Jay came from stage left, Jacquie's red and black Asian print dress providing a stark contrast to Jay's drab green overalls. Sitting on their stools, Jacquie took a look at Jay's sweaty face."Jeez, Jay, you're sweating more than hooker in a confessional!"
Laughter echoed throughout the room as Jay scrambled for an excuse. "Well, that's the last time I eat your five alarm chili before I go onstage."
"After the beans kick in, it'll be a six alarm HAZMAT alert in the bathrooms. They'll need to bring in Lysol by the keg."
"Now, hon, we have to keep it clean for those nice ladies in the front row." Cheers came from the Red Hat Ladies sitting up front.
"Oooh, Red Hatters! I love Hatters! I'm suprised the people behind you aren't complaining. Y'know, like those times you go into a bar and some doofus with one of those beer dispensing helmets is blocking the view of the TV."
"Jacquie, you OWN one of those helmets!" More laughter broke out.
"Hey, it's a collector's item, unlike your various assortment of dust bunnies under your bed."
"At least they're dust bunnies and not Playboy bunnies."
"No, that's in your closet, along with your dust Hustlers."
The exchange continued for twenty minutes, with the Oliver-hunting employees darting through the dark and manuevering through the crowd, but turning up nothing. Huebel gave the cue to close the show, but Jacquie looked stage right and gave out a loud squeal.
"AWWW, He's so CUUUTE!"
Jay looked over to see Oliver running onstage, chasing and swatting the microphone cord; the bracelet's numerous stones sparkled under the stage lights. Before anybody could move, Jacquie ran over and picked him up. Jay began to sweat more and his heart pounded faster.
"Aren't you just the sweetest wittle thing ever, with those eyes and wittle ears and I think my voice is stuck in high-pitched cute mode!"Jay scrambled for a line.
"And I think my ears are stuck in hurt mode."
Jacquie shot a smirk at Jay. "That's why they invented aspirin." She looked back at Oliver. "Oh and look at your sparkly collar! You'd surprise the alley cats with your style!"
Noticing Huebel desperately making the cut-off cue, Jay took a hard swallow. "Yeah, he's a great suprise, just like you were in my life."
"Eh?"
Jay took the bracelet off of Oliver and bent down in front of Jacquie. "I got a surprise of my own, hon. Jacquie Sue Hemlock, will you marry me?"
Jacquie let out a gasp of shock and so did the crowd; Jay looped the bracelet over her wrist and adjusted the bracelet to fit. The crowd stood silent.
"Well, Jay," Jacquie stammered, "do we get to keep the kitty?"
"Of course, Oliver here was a lonely guy who needed some love, just like I was when I met you."
Oliver let out a hearty mew that revereberated through the silence.
"I think he gave you your answer, Jay."
"I want to hear it out of your mouth."Jacquie looked at the crowd and then at Jay. "I can't let you guys down. Yes, Jay, I'll marry you."
The room erupted in cheers and applause; the two kissed as a closer. "Thank you everyone, thank you and good night!"
Walking backstage with Oliver in hand, Jacquie wrapped her free arm around Jay's waist. "This is definitely the best surprise I've ever gotten, Jay! How'd you think of it?"
"Well," Jay said sheepishly, "it just came to me."
Jacquie smiled. "It's a lot more unique that just a ring."
"So what if I gave you just a ring?""I would've told you I'd have to think it over."
One Night Only: Bear
Bear
"Holy shinola! Did you see the size of those skeeters?"
"Those aren't mosquitos, Jay, those are dragonflies."
"Dragonflies? Do they breathe fire and kill knight flies?"
"Save that for the stage, Jay."
Jacquie and Jay walked the nature trails crisscrossing the woods around Mosquito Lake; Jacquie carried a picnic basket and Jay hauled a cooler. The thick canopy of pines and oaks made it hard to see the sky but the lake glistened through the gaps between the tree trunks. The trail wound into a large clearing surrounded by large stones, wildflowers and pine trees; one stone had writing on it. Jacquie spread out a blanket and unpacked the basket as Jay plopped the cooler down on the sunscorched grass and pulled out a beer.
"So this is the spot?"
"Yup, Sarah Charlotte Cove. A perfect spot for a picnic, isn't it?"
"My legs think so," Jay said as he dropped to the ground, nearly spilling his beer. "I
haven't hiked that much since I helped haul a baby grand piano up an eighth floor walkup in Queens."
Jacquie laughed as she bit into her egg salad sandwich. "Walkups don't count as hiking, Jay."
"Well, there's no pine trees in Queens!" Jay retorted as he handed his wife a wine cooler. "So,
what's written on that big rock?"
Jacquie opened the bag of chips, not even looking up at Jay nor the rock. "Wanna know why this
place is called Sarah Charlotte Cove?"
"Why?"
"Well, I don't know if this true or not, but this is what my dad told me." Jacquie bit into the
chips as she talked. "A few cabins down from us lives Mr. Daley; he's one of my Dad's hunting buddies. Back in the late eighties, he held a family reunion up here and a couple of his young nieces found this cove. They wanted to camp out here, so he let them stay here under their aunt's supervision. Well, the next morning, the aunt woke up to find the girls' tent bloody and shredded; but the girls' bodies were gone. Search parties tore this whole place up looking for them, but their bodies were never found. They say a bear got to them searching for food. Anyway, they buried the shredded tent and put that engraved stone there, and since the girls' names were Sarah and Charlotte, this place became Sarah Charlotte Cove."
Jay stared wide-eyed at Jacquie then shook his head. "So, we're eating lunch on a grave."
"Well, kinda sorta. There's no bodies, remember?"
"And there's bears out here?"
"Oh yeah, black bears. Dad and Mr. Daley used to go hunting for them."
A few moments later, the two heard the cracking of sticks and shadows appeared in the woods
behind the rocks. Startled, Jay sprung up and bolted toward the path.
"Hey! Where are you going?"
Jay stopped at the cove's entrance. "I'm outta here!"
"Aren't you forgetting something?"
"You're right." Jay ran back, grabbed the cooler and ran again toward the path. "Hop on my back, hon!"
***
Later that night, with the serenades of the crickets and the owls permeating the air, both
slept soundly with Jacquie nuzzled in Jay's chest. Needing to use the bathroom, Jay carefully slid his wife off of him and stumbled over to the bathroom, nearly tripping over a trash can. He tried to open the bathroom door, but the doorknob wouldn't turn and the door was stuck shut.
"Shinola!" Despite a few more tries and shoves, the door refused to open. Desperate, Jay woke
Jacquie.
"Hon? Hon?"
Jacquie rolled over and rubbed her face. "Whaat?" she snarled.
"I can't get the bathroom door open."
"You woke me over that? Go piss on a tree."
"But won't someone see me?"
"It's midnight in the middle of nowhere, Jay. No one can see you. Now leave me alone!"
Jacquie rolled over and fell back asleep. Finding a trail not too far from the cabin, Jay
hustled until he found a densly foiliated spot and he watered a pine tree with his urine. Okay, I used to piss on dumpsters back when I lived in New York City, but I've never pissed on a tree before...
"Bear! Bear!" Off in the distance, Jay could hear the voices of two girls; one voice was higher
pitched than the other.
"Hon, is that you?" Jay stammered.
"Bear! Bear!"
"Hon?"
"Bear! Bear!" The voices became louder and accompanied by the sound of cracking sticks. Jay looked to his left, only to see a huge dark creature running full-speed and panting torward him. Holy shinola!
"AAAAAAUUUUGH!" Jay screamed as he ran the other way. Stumbling, he fell to the ground but quickly got up, his shorts falling to the ground. Before he could put them back on, the creature lunged at Jay but missed; Jay threw his shorts at the creature and ran as fast as his legs would let him through the nature trails. Only the moon and stars lit up the paths, causing Jay to bump into the occasional tree.
"Bear! Bear!" The girls' voices became louder as Jay looked behind him; two little kids were
running behind the creature waving flashlights. It's the two dead kids from the cove! They're out to kill me with the bear that killed them! Shinola times two!
Up ahead, Jay saw a wooden walkway off to the left side; Jay bolted onto it, finding out it led
into the lake and it had several boards missing. He gasped as the creature also made the left turn and was now heading straight toward him with the flashlighted kids in hot pursuit. As Jay ran across the boards near the middle of the dock, the rotted wood gave way.
"Augh!"
SPLASH!
The cold water stung Jay's skin and the weeds stuck to his body and hair; flailing his arms as
he struggled to stay afloat, both of his legs cramped. "Ow, ow! Help! Someone help me!"
The creature jumped off of the dock and onto Jay's chest, pushing him under the black murky
water.
SPLASH!
Barely able to breathe as he surfaced, Jay fought to get the creature away from him.
"Get...off...me! Help!"
One of the kids pointed a flashlight beam at the tussle. "It's the lake monster! Bear's got the
lake monster! Get 'em, Bear!"
"No, no, no!" Jay gasped as he struggled to surface, the creature continuing to pull him under.
"I'm not...a...monster! He's the...monster...get it...off me!"
"Jay? Jay! Oh fuzzy weasels!"
"Hon?" Fatigued and unable to keep himself afloat, Jay heard splashing from nearby. A few moments later, a pull of his shoulders raised him to the lake surface. Dragged onto the sandy shore, Jay rolled over to see a sopping wet Jacquie, her nightgown clinging to her body. She pounded on his back as he coughed up lake water.
"Jay, Jay! Oh fuzzies, thank god you're alive! I thought you drowned!"
The two kids came over to Jay, only to scream and cover their eyes. "It's the lake monster and
he's naked!"
Jacquie looked over and gasped in suprise. "Holy dancing monkeys, Jay, where in the hell are
your pants?" Jacquie grabbed a couple handfuls of weeds and threw them over Jay's genitals. "Don't tell me you were skinny dipping!"
Jay rolled over on his back and sat up. "No, no, no! I wasn't swimming on purpose, trust me hon. I was out taking a piss in the woods and next thing I know this big black bear was chasing me with those two dead girls from the cove following him!"
Jacquie raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "Wait a minute! Dead girls?"
"Those kids over there!" Jay pointed to the kids, who looked each other in confusion. "They're the girls who got eaten by the bear! Sarah and Charlotte, right?"
"No," one kid chirped, "I'm Stacy and she's Emily. Our dog Bear is in the lake."
"Dog?!?" Stacy shined a flashlight beam towards the lake; a very large hairy black dog sat in the
water chewing the weeds. Jay's jaw dropped as he stood up.
"Aw," Jacquie chimed in, "it's a Newfie dog! They're cool cause they don't bark."
"Wait a minute," Jay snapped, "I was running through the forest in the dead of night, bareass naked with the shinola scared out of me, and it's just two girls and a dog?!?"
"Don't say 'ass' Jay, there's little kids here," Jacquie scolded, but she looked around to find
the girls and Bear gone. "Well, they were here just a second ago."
Both of them looked at each other and bolted towards their cabin. "Next time I have to piss
outside," Jay yelled, "I'm bringing a towel!"
"Holy shinola! Did you see the size of those skeeters?"
"Those aren't mosquitos, Jay, those are dragonflies."
"Dragonflies? Do they breathe fire and kill knight flies?"
"Save that for the stage, Jay."
Jacquie and Jay walked the nature trails crisscrossing the woods around Mosquito Lake; Jacquie carried a picnic basket and Jay hauled a cooler. The thick canopy of pines and oaks made it hard to see the sky but the lake glistened through the gaps between the tree trunks. The trail wound into a large clearing surrounded by large stones, wildflowers and pine trees; one stone had writing on it. Jacquie spread out a blanket and unpacked the basket as Jay plopped the cooler down on the sunscorched grass and pulled out a beer.
"So this is the spot?"
"Yup, Sarah Charlotte Cove. A perfect spot for a picnic, isn't it?"
"My legs think so," Jay said as he dropped to the ground, nearly spilling his beer. "I
haven't hiked that much since I helped haul a baby grand piano up an eighth floor walkup in Queens."
Jacquie laughed as she bit into her egg salad sandwich. "Walkups don't count as hiking, Jay."
"Well, there's no pine trees in Queens!" Jay retorted as he handed his wife a wine cooler. "So,
what's written on that big rock?"
Jacquie opened the bag of chips, not even looking up at Jay nor the rock. "Wanna know why this
place is called Sarah Charlotte Cove?"
"Why?"
"Well, I don't know if this true or not, but this is what my dad told me." Jacquie bit into the
chips as she talked. "A few cabins down from us lives Mr. Daley; he's one of my Dad's hunting buddies. Back in the late eighties, he held a family reunion up here and a couple of his young nieces found this cove. They wanted to camp out here, so he let them stay here under their aunt's supervision. Well, the next morning, the aunt woke up to find the girls' tent bloody and shredded; but the girls' bodies were gone. Search parties tore this whole place up looking for them, but their bodies were never found. They say a bear got to them searching for food. Anyway, they buried the shredded tent and put that engraved stone there, and since the girls' names were Sarah and Charlotte, this place became Sarah Charlotte Cove."
Jay stared wide-eyed at Jacquie then shook his head. "So, we're eating lunch on a grave."
"Well, kinda sorta. There's no bodies, remember?"
"And there's bears out here?"
"Oh yeah, black bears. Dad and Mr. Daley used to go hunting for them."
A few moments later, the two heard the cracking of sticks and shadows appeared in the woods
behind the rocks. Startled, Jay sprung up and bolted toward the path.
"Hey! Where are you going?"
Jay stopped at the cove's entrance. "I'm outta here!"
"Aren't you forgetting something?"
"You're right." Jay ran back, grabbed the cooler and ran again toward the path. "Hop on my back, hon!"
***
Later that night, with the serenades of the crickets and the owls permeating the air, both
slept soundly with Jacquie nuzzled in Jay's chest. Needing to use the bathroom, Jay carefully slid his wife off of him and stumbled over to the bathroom, nearly tripping over a trash can. He tried to open the bathroom door, but the doorknob wouldn't turn and the door was stuck shut.
"Shinola!" Despite a few more tries and shoves, the door refused to open. Desperate, Jay woke
Jacquie.
"Hon? Hon?"
Jacquie rolled over and rubbed her face. "Whaat?" she snarled.
"I can't get the bathroom door open."
"You woke me over that? Go piss on a tree."
"But won't someone see me?"
"It's midnight in the middle of nowhere, Jay. No one can see you. Now leave me alone!"
Jacquie rolled over and fell back asleep. Finding a trail not too far from the cabin, Jay
hustled until he found a densly foiliated spot and he watered a pine tree with his urine. Okay, I used to piss on dumpsters back when I lived in New York City, but I've never pissed on a tree before...
"Bear! Bear!" Off in the distance, Jay could hear the voices of two girls; one voice was higher
pitched than the other.
"Hon, is that you?" Jay stammered.
"Bear! Bear!"
"Hon?"
"Bear! Bear!" The voices became louder and accompanied by the sound of cracking sticks. Jay looked to his left, only to see a huge dark creature running full-speed and panting torward him. Holy shinola!
"AAAAAAUUUUGH!" Jay screamed as he ran the other way. Stumbling, he fell to the ground but quickly got up, his shorts falling to the ground. Before he could put them back on, the creature lunged at Jay but missed; Jay threw his shorts at the creature and ran as fast as his legs would let him through the nature trails. Only the moon and stars lit up the paths, causing Jay to bump into the occasional tree.
"Bear! Bear!" The girls' voices became louder as Jay looked behind him; two little kids were
running behind the creature waving flashlights. It's the two dead kids from the cove! They're out to kill me with the bear that killed them! Shinola times two!
Up ahead, Jay saw a wooden walkway off to the left side; Jay bolted onto it, finding out it led
into the lake and it had several boards missing. He gasped as the creature also made the left turn and was now heading straight toward him with the flashlighted kids in hot pursuit. As Jay ran across the boards near the middle of the dock, the rotted wood gave way.
"Augh!"
SPLASH!
The cold water stung Jay's skin and the weeds stuck to his body and hair; flailing his arms as
he struggled to stay afloat, both of his legs cramped. "Ow, ow! Help! Someone help me!"
The creature jumped off of the dock and onto Jay's chest, pushing him under the black murky
water.
SPLASH!
Barely able to breathe as he surfaced, Jay fought to get the creature away from him.
"Get...off...me! Help!"
One of the kids pointed a flashlight beam at the tussle. "It's the lake monster! Bear's got the
lake monster! Get 'em, Bear!"
"No, no, no!" Jay gasped as he struggled to surface, the creature continuing to pull him under.
"I'm not...a...monster! He's the...monster...get it...off me!"
"Jay? Jay! Oh fuzzy weasels!"
"Hon?" Fatigued and unable to keep himself afloat, Jay heard splashing from nearby. A few moments later, a pull of his shoulders raised him to the lake surface. Dragged onto the sandy shore, Jay rolled over to see a sopping wet Jacquie, her nightgown clinging to her body. She pounded on his back as he coughed up lake water.
"Jay, Jay! Oh fuzzies, thank god you're alive! I thought you drowned!"
The two kids came over to Jay, only to scream and cover their eyes. "It's the lake monster and
he's naked!"
Jacquie looked over and gasped in suprise. "Holy dancing monkeys, Jay, where in the hell are
your pants?" Jacquie grabbed a couple handfuls of weeds and threw them over Jay's genitals. "Don't tell me you were skinny dipping!"
Jay rolled over on his back and sat up. "No, no, no! I wasn't swimming on purpose, trust me hon. I was out taking a piss in the woods and next thing I know this big black bear was chasing me with those two dead girls from the cove following him!"
Jacquie raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "Wait a minute! Dead girls?"
"Those kids over there!" Jay pointed to the kids, who looked each other in confusion. "They're the girls who got eaten by the bear! Sarah and Charlotte, right?"
"No," one kid chirped, "I'm Stacy and she's Emily. Our dog Bear is in the lake."
"Dog?!?" Stacy shined a flashlight beam towards the lake; a very large hairy black dog sat in the
water chewing the weeds. Jay's jaw dropped as he stood up.
"Aw," Jacquie chimed in, "it's a Newfie dog! They're cool cause they don't bark."
"Wait a minute," Jay snapped, "I was running through the forest in the dead of night, bareass naked with the shinola scared out of me, and it's just two girls and a dog?!?"
"Don't say 'ass' Jay, there's little kids here," Jacquie scolded, but she looked around to find
the girls and Bear gone. "Well, they were here just a second ago."
Both of them looked at each other and bolted towards their cabin. "Next time I have to piss
outside," Jay yelled, "I'm bringing a towel!"
One Night Only: Rolls
Rolls
"My grandma's hearing aid is Jesus, 'cause it's a Miracle Ear!"
Jay and Jacquie sat in the airy lobby of a chain hotel in the heart of the Midwest; the duo was to
perform later that afternoon as part of their Two of A Kind Tour. The duo noshed on the hotel's spread of breakfast foods while watching The Weather Channel on the lobby's sole television; an elderly couple sat within earshot and talked about their grandkids. Several people checked out of the hotel without stopping for breakfast and others grabbed food but didn't sit down. Jacquie had scribbled some of her own one-liners on a napkin the night before and was sharing them with Jay; he chuckled at her joke.
"That's a good one! I'l have to try it."
"Cool! Here's another one for you Jay...what do they call a continental breakfast on a cruise ship?"
"What, Jacquie?"
"Eh?"
"What do you call a continental breakfast on a cruise ship?"
Jacquie rolled her eyes. "That's the joke, Jay. It's a rhetorical question, think about it. You're
on a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean and you're not on a continent, so...oh, forget it." She took a bite of her jelly-slathered blueberry bagel. "It's not funny if I have to explain it."
Jay sipped his coffee. "I see what you're trying to say, but you just need to reword it."
Jacquie smirked. "Okay, Mr. King-of-the-One-Liners, how would you say it?"
"I'd probably say, 'I went on a cruise ship, but they didn't offer breakfast because it wasn't
continental.' See, like that."
Jacquie smiled. "Your version is funnier."
Jay sipped his coffee. "That's because it isn't a question. When you ask a question, people expect an answer. If it doesn't have an answer, the joke flies over people's heads. With your version of ship joke, people are expecting you to say a punchline after the question. With the statement version, they don't expect another line because it's only one thought. Do you get what I'm saying?"
"Not one bit."
Jay sighed. "If we have to have to explain it, it isn't funny. Let's leave the joke as a statement."
One of the hotel employees brought out a platter of cinnamon rolls and placed them in the middle of the breakfast table; the rolls caught Jacquie's attention and she licked her lips.
"Ooooh, cinnamon rolls! Jay, you want one?"
"Sure...and can you get me some more coffee, please?"
Jacquie put her hands on her hips. "Do you have concrete in your pockets, Jay?"
Jay looked at her in shock. "Well, I figured since you were up..."
Jacquie smiled, took his empty cup and playfully kissed his cheek. "I was just kidding, sweetie!"
She trotted up to the breakfast table to get the rolls and coffee; Jay snuck across the table and grabbed the napkin Jacquie had written on.
"I'm so broke that, when I put my debit card in the ATM, it laughs at me...I'm so ugly that my
spouse took a picture of me with a cameraphone and the screen shattered...We played 52 pickup today, now the truck's in the shop..."
"Did you find any you like?"
Jay looked up to see Jacquie holding a plate with four rolls in one hand and his coffee in the
other; she put the plate down and Jay took his coffee and a roll. He slid the napkin off to the side, but Jacquie took it back.
"Well, there's some good ones in there, especially the 52 pickup one."
Jacquie wiped her mouth. "Well, it was late at night and you were already asleep. I couldn't doze
off, so I turned on the TV and watched some cooking shows. Mmmm, these rolls are really tasty!"
"They must be if you took four of them."
"Well, some for now, some for later, y'know?"
Jay took a sip of his coffee. "I didn't know you were such a big fan of cinnamon rolls."
"Oh, god, I love them. My mom used to make them all the time when I was little; they were really gooey and buttery. I could eat platefuls of those suckers. This was back when she was a paralegal, though; when she became the personal injury lawyer, she never had the time to make them anymore. I still kinda miss them."
"Your mom? Cook?"
"Yeah, it's an oxymoron now, but when I was a kid she gave Betty Crocker a run for her money. She could whip up all sorts of tasty goodies, but her cinnamon rolls were what she did best. The whole house would smell like cinnamon for hours."
"Maybe you can get the recipe for her."
Jacquie finished up her roll. "Jeez, Jay, why didn't I think of that? That recipe is probably
gathering dust in her cupboards. We'll be in Michigan in a few days. I can get it from her then."
Jay sighed. "You better get it when your mother isn't home or else she'll chain you to the house so you don't run away again."
Jacquie sighed as she eyed the remaining rolls on the plate. "Or put me on a leash."
~~~~
"Okay, now all we have to do is stick them in the oven...*snort*..."
Jacquie cooked up a batch of cinnamon rolls in her parents' house; she set the timer and wiped her hands on her pants. Both of her parents were out but allowed her to use the kitchen to make her rolls.
Jay had gone into town to get her some decongestant and tissues, for her sinuses were blocked up from a bad cold and she had to use a paper towel to blow her stuffed-up nose.
"HURRRNK! HUUURRRNKK!" Her honking reverberated throughout the kichen. "Jeez, I hate getting colds!
I'm just glad Jay's not here to hear my goose impression." After cleaning up the flour mess in the kitchen, she mixed up powdered sugar and water for the icing. Jay soon arrived with Jacquie's medicine
and tissues.
"Jacquie, I'm back! Here's your things."
"Oh, Jay, you're a lifesaver." She popped a pill out of the blister pack and took it with a glass of
water.
"Say, Jacquie, what's a fudgie?"
"A fudgie?"
"Yeah. I was in line at the store and there were these two girls in line behind me. I was talking to the cashier about the area and one of the girls says to the other, 'this guy's a fudgie.' She didn't seem nice about it either."
Jacquie smiled as she mixed up more icing. "'Fudgie' is northern Michigan slang for a tourist,
especially ones from out of state. They're called fudgies because most of them walk around with boxes of fudge in their hands from all the scattered fudge shops up here. Most fudgies aren't highly regarded up here, for they cause traffic 'cause they don't know what crosswalks are."
"Oh. So I'm a fudgie?"
"Are you from around here?"
"No."
"Then you're a fudgie, whether your dumb or not. Trust me, you're a lot smarter than most fudgies."
The timer went off and Jacquie walked over to the stove.
"Oooh, the rolls are done!" Jacquie opened the pulled out a circle pan filled with freshly baked
rolls, golden brown and with filling oozing out of them. She flipped the rolls onto a plate and spread the icing all over them. "Can't you just smell that cinnamonny goodness?"
Jay sniffed the air, but it didn't smell like cinnamon at all. "I don't smell cinnamon at all. I smell
soup."
Jacquie looked at him quizzically. "Well, maybe you got the same cold I do."
"No, seriously, my nose is fine. It smells like soup in here."
"How could it smell like soup when I just made cinnamon rolls?"
"Lemme try one." Jacquie slid the plate across the counter and Jay took a hot roll. He bit into it,
but instead of tasting cinnamon, he tasted sugary buttery salty beef. He looked at wife and gave a confused face, not knowing how to break the news to her gently.
"So, Jay, what do you think?"
"Jacquie, are you completely sure you put cinnamon in these?"
"What?!? I know I did! Here, I show you the container." Jacquie pulled out the spice jar from the cabinet, looked at the label and smacked her head in exasperation.
"Oooohhh fuzzies..."
"What?"
Jacquie handed Jay the jar; the label read "Beef Buillon Powder". "The cinnamon was sitting next to that and I grabbed the wrong jar by mistake! How could I be so stupid?!?" She leaned against the refridgerator door and started half-laughing half-crying.
Jay walked over to her. "Jacquie, it's okay. Your nose was stuffed up."
"Still after two hours of work, I got to throw them out because I can't tell the difference between
beef bouillon and cinnamon...hey, did you finish that roll?"
Jay licked the icing off of his fingers. "Yeah I did, and it actually wasn't half bad. Try one."
Jacquie took a roll and tore off a piece; after swirling it in her mouth and swallowing, she shot
Jay a disgusted look. "That was one of the most disgusting things I've ever eaten, and I cooked it!"
Jay smiled in sympathy. "Well, I thought it was alright."
"Well," she said as she threw her roll into the trash, "there's your breakfast for tomorrow."
At that moment, Jacquie's dad came in the door. "Hello, my darling! What's that smell?"
"My grandma's hearing aid is Jesus, 'cause it's a Miracle Ear!"
Jay and Jacquie sat in the airy lobby of a chain hotel in the heart of the Midwest; the duo was to
perform later that afternoon as part of their Two of A Kind Tour. The duo noshed on the hotel's spread of breakfast foods while watching The Weather Channel on the lobby's sole television; an elderly couple sat within earshot and talked about their grandkids. Several people checked out of the hotel without stopping for breakfast and others grabbed food but didn't sit down. Jacquie had scribbled some of her own one-liners on a napkin the night before and was sharing them with Jay; he chuckled at her joke.
"That's a good one! I'l have to try it."
"Cool! Here's another one for you Jay...what do they call a continental breakfast on a cruise ship?"
"What, Jacquie?"
"Eh?"
"What do you call a continental breakfast on a cruise ship?"
Jacquie rolled her eyes. "That's the joke, Jay. It's a rhetorical question, think about it. You're
on a cruise ship in the middle of the ocean and you're not on a continent, so...oh, forget it." She took a bite of her jelly-slathered blueberry bagel. "It's not funny if I have to explain it."
Jay sipped his coffee. "I see what you're trying to say, but you just need to reword it."
Jacquie smirked. "Okay, Mr. King-of-the-One-Liners, how would you say it?"
"I'd probably say, 'I went on a cruise ship, but they didn't offer breakfast because it wasn't
continental.' See, like that."
Jacquie smiled. "Your version is funnier."
Jay sipped his coffee. "That's because it isn't a question. When you ask a question, people expect an answer. If it doesn't have an answer, the joke flies over people's heads. With your version of ship joke, people are expecting you to say a punchline after the question. With the statement version, they don't expect another line because it's only one thought. Do you get what I'm saying?"
"Not one bit."
Jay sighed. "If we have to have to explain it, it isn't funny. Let's leave the joke as a statement."
One of the hotel employees brought out a platter of cinnamon rolls and placed them in the middle of the breakfast table; the rolls caught Jacquie's attention and she licked her lips.
"Ooooh, cinnamon rolls! Jay, you want one?"
"Sure...and can you get me some more coffee, please?"
Jacquie put her hands on her hips. "Do you have concrete in your pockets, Jay?"
Jay looked at her in shock. "Well, I figured since you were up..."
Jacquie smiled, took his empty cup and playfully kissed his cheek. "I was just kidding, sweetie!"
She trotted up to the breakfast table to get the rolls and coffee; Jay snuck across the table and grabbed the napkin Jacquie had written on.
"I'm so broke that, when I put my debit card in the ATM, it laughs at me...I'm so ugly that my
spouse took a picture of me with a cameraphone and the screen shattered...We played 52 pickup today, now the truck's in the shop..."
"Did you find any you like?"
Jay looked up to see Jacquie holding a plate with four rolls in one hand and his coffee in the
other; she put the plate down and Jay took his coffee and a roll. He slid the napkin off to the side, but Jacquie took it back.
"Well, there's some good ones in there, especially the 52 pickup one."
Jacquie wiped her mouth. "Well, it was late at night and you were already asleep. I couldn't doze
off, so I turned on the TV and watched some cooking shows. Mmmm, these rolls are really tasty!"
"They must be if you took four of them."
"Well, some for now, some for later, y'know?"
Jay took a sip of his coffee. "I didn't know you were such a big fan of cinnamon rolls."
"Oh, god, I love them. My mom used to make them all the time when I was little; they were really gooey and buttery. I could eat platefuls of those suckers. This was back when she was a paralegal, though; when she became the personal injury lawyer, she never had the time to make them anymore. I still kinda miss them."
"Your mom? Cook?"
"Yeah, it's an oxymoron now, but when I was a kid she gave Betty Crocker a run for her money. She could whip up all sorts of tasty goodies, but her cinnamon rolls were what she did best. The whole house would smell like cinnamon for hours."
"Maybe you can get the recipe for her."
Jacquie finished up her roll. "Jeez, Jay, why didn't I think of that? That recipe is probably
gathering dust in her cupboards. We'll be in Michigan in a few days. I can get it from her then."
Jay sighed. "You better get it when your mother isn't home or else she'll chain you to the house so you don't run away again."
Jacquie sighed as she eyed the remaining rolls on the plate. "Or put me on a leash."
~~~~
"Okay, now all we have to do is stick them in the oven...*snort*..."
Jacquie cooked up a batch of cinnamon rolls in her parents' house; she set the timer and wiped her hands on her pants. Both of her parents were out but allowed her to use the kitchen to make her rolls.
Jay had gone into town to get her some decongestant and tissues, for her sinuses were blocked up from a bad cold and she had to use a paper towel to blow her stuffed-up nose.
"HURRRNK! HUUURRRNKK!" Her honking reverberated throughout the kichen. "Jeez, I hate getting colds!
I'm just glad Jay's not here to hear my goose impression." After cleaning up the flour mess in the kitchen, she mixed up powdered sugar and water for the icing. Jay soon arrived with Jacquie's medicine
and tissues.
"Jacquie, I'm back! Here's your things."
"Oh, Jay, you're a lifesaver." She popped a pill out of the blister pack and took it with a glass of
water.
"Say, Jacquie, what's a fudgie?"
"A fudgie?"
"Yeah. I was in line at the store and there were these two girls in line behind me. I was talking to the cashier about the area and one of the girls says to the other, 'this guy's a fudgie.' She didn't seem nice about it either."
Jacquie smiled as she mixed up more icing. "'Fudgie' is northern Michigan slang for a tourist,
especially ones from out of state. They're called fudgies because most of them walk around with boxes of fudge in their hands from all the scattered fudge shops up here. Most fudgies aren't highly regarded up here, for they cause traffic 'cause they don't know what crosswalks are."
"Oh. So I'm a fudgie?"
"Are you from around here?"
"No."
"Then you're a fudgie, whether your dumb or not. Trust me, you're a lot smarter than most fudgies."
The timer went off and Jacquie walked over to the stove.
"Oooh, the rolls are done!" Jacquie opened the pulled out a circle pan filled with freshly baked
rolls, golden brown and with filling oozing out of them. She flipped the rolls onto a plate and spread the icing all over them. "Can't you just smell that cinnamonny goodness?"
Jay sniffed the air, but it didn't smell like cinnamon at all. "I don't smell cinnamon at all. I smell
soup."
Jacquie looked at him quizzically. "Well, maybe you got the same cold I do."
"No, seriously, my nose is fine. It smells like soup in here."
"How could it smell like soup when I just made cinnamon rolls?"
"Lemme try one." Jacquie slid the plate across the counter and Jay took a hot roll. He bit into it,
but instead of tasting cinnamon, he tasted sugary buttery salty beef. He looked at wife and gave a confused face, not knowing how to break the news to her gently.
"So, Jay, what do you think?"
"Jacquie, are you completely sure you put cinnamon in these?"
"What?!? I know I did! Here, I show you the container." Jacquie pulled out the spice jar from the cabinet, looked at the label and smacked her head in exasperation.
"Oooohhh fuzzies..."
"What?"
Jacquie handed Jay the jar; the label read "Beef Buillon Powder". "The cinnamon was sitting next to that and I grabbed the wrong jar by mistake! How could I be so stupid?!?" She leaned against the refridgerator door and started half-laughing half-crying.
Jay walked over to her. "Jacquie, it's okay. Your nose was stuffed up."
"Still after two hours of work, I got to throw them out because I can't tell the difference between
beef bouillon and cinnamon...hey, did you finish that roll?"
Jay licked the icing off of his fingers. "Yeah I did, and it actually wasn't half bad. Try one."
Jacquie took a roll and tore off a piece; after swirling it in her mouth and swallowing, she shot
Jay a disgusted look. "That was one of the most disgusting things I've ever eaten, and I cooked it!"
Jay smiled in sympathy. "Well, I thought it was alright."
"Well," she said as she threw her roll into the trash, "there's your breakfast for tomorrow."
At that moment, Jacquie's dad came in the door. "Hello, my darling! What's that smell?"
One Night Only: Heartbeats
Heartbeats
"I still don't know how you can drink coffee in this heat, Jay."
Sitting in a Starbucks with his comedian friend Nicholas Holt, Jay sipped on a tall
latte'. Holt was a stocky balding man in his mid-forties who always wore baseball jerseys
and a badly maintained goatee. Holt was the first comedian Jay befriended when he moved
from New York City to Los Angeles. Both came to the Starbucks to escape the sweltering
one hundred degree heat in the coffee house's icy air conditioning.
"I told you before, cold coffee is a sin. As Jacquie would say, 'it's right up there
with telemarketers, pop-up ads and plus-sized tube tops'."
Nick rolled his eyes. "There you go, talking about Jacquie again."
"I can't help it. She's one of the greatest ladies I've ever met. Trust me, she's a
real lady. Ever since I moved in with her, my clothes are always clean and my stomach is
always full."
Nick sipped on his iced mocha. "I bet your dick is always spit-shined, too."
Jay lowed his gaze. "Well, no, definitely no. She has no idea I have a crush on her."
"A crush? C'mon, Jay, this isn't high school. You're deep-shit in love with her."
"I don't know about that."
Nick shook his head in disgust. "Okay then, caveman, answer a couple of questions for
me then. When is her birthday?"
"Fourth of July," Jay replied without hesitation, "she said her dad would buy her
firecrackers every year, and one time she burned a hole in her pants while lighting a
bottle rocket."
"What an image that is. So, what's her favorite color?"
"Green. She says it matches and her eyes and the fields of Ireland. She's been to
Ireland a few times to see her relatives."
"Lucky girl. Favorite food?"
"Lasagna with meat sauce. Her favorite cake is German chocolate and her favorite
movie is anything with Will Ferrell in it." Jay hung his head again. "Holy shinola, Nick,
I am in deep!"
"Deep? Fuck, you're in subterranean territory, pal. You know more about your lady
friend than I know about my wife!" Nick finished his mocha.
"So how did you, y'know, tell your wife you loved her?"
"It's simple. You give Jacquie hugs, right?"
"Only if she hugs me first."
"Well, next time you're hugging, give her a smootch on the lips. If she pulls away,
she's not interested. If she smiles, she's not ready. If she kisses you back, she's not
just a friend. It's as simple as that. Oh, and if she starts biting and it leaves marks,
call the police."
***
Jacquie sat in a nail salon, getting fills done to her acrylic nails and chatting
with the manicurist, a beautiful Cantonese woman named Yi. Yi's salon was a hard-to-find
upper room in Chinatown, but Yi's handiwork was the best quality at an affordable price.
Despite the language barrier, Yi's voice was warm and friendly.
"I know I let them grow out too much, Yi, but I've been busy."
"You admit it, yes. You busy with what?"
"Well, I have a comedy act with another comedian. We're getting bookings all over
L.A. and the surrounding suburbs and towns."
"Oh, good good. What his name?"
"His name is Jay London. He's a very nice guy and he's very funny. He even lives with
me."
"He live with you, yes? He like you?"
"Well, we're very good friends. We go out to eat sometimes, or we go to a movie or a
comedy show, but that's it. We're just friends, that's all."
"That nice. He handsome?"
"To me, he is. He's got those gorgeous brown eyes and he's got nice thick muscles. Oh
and the hair; he's got long curly hair that's very soft. He's got a great personality
too; he's very sweet and laid back. He loves my cooking and he even notices when I clean
the apartment or do his laundry. I swear, when he looks into my eyes, Yi, he's got the
sweetest puppy dog face in the world. Mmmm, he's quite a guy." Jacquie leaned back into
the chair, causing Yi to pull on her arm and causing Jacquie's elbow to pop.
POP!
Yi rubbed Jacquie's elbow. "Oh, so sorry! That hurt?"
"No, but I found out my elbow talks." Jacquie sat back up.
"Look, I manicurist, not brain doctor, but I see more than friends you two."
"What?"
"You love him. Simple."
"Love? Oh, no no no. Well, I don't think we're that far, anyway."
"I do. I married fifteen years, I know love when I see."
Jacquie bit her lip. "How do I know if it's love?"
Yi smiled. "You in trouble, he protect you. He save you in needy time. Man lay life
for woman, woman care for man. It is duty."
Jacquie shot Yi a confused look. "So if, say, I stepped out on a busy street and he
gets hit by the car while pushing me to safety, that's love?"
"If I understand right, yes."
Jacquie smiled. "Well, that's great advice."
"That be five dollar. I put on bill."
***
"I can't get this damn earworm out of my head!"
"An earworm? Should I call the doctor?"
Jay and Jacquie performed to a sold-out crowd in The Monologue, a warehouse-turned-
comedy-club that had its grand opening that night. Jay was in his usual muscle shirt and
overalls while Jacquie wore a white linen babydoll frock and knee-high boots.
"No, Jay, an earworm is a chorus to a song that repeats in your head over and over.
If it's the whole song, that's an ear virus."
"Ear virus...does the CDC know about this? If it spreads to more than one person, is
it an ear pandemic? How about if it speads worldwide, is it an ear epidemic?"
"Yes, Jay, it's an ear-pidemic."
Amisdt the laughter, the two shook hands and gave their farewells; the crowd
responded with a standing ovation. After signing autographs-and signing the club's wall
as a memento-the two headed back to the apartment. Despite the fact that it was night,
the air was still heavy with heat and humidity.
"Sheesh, babe," Jay said as they reached the apartment, "how can you wear boots in
this weather?"
"They go with the dress and I'm used to the humidity from the Michigan
summers...wait, did you just call me 'babe'?"
"Oh! Uh, it slipped. I'm sorry if I offended you."
Jacquie unlocked the door, giving Jay a playful smirk. "No worries. People call me
'babe' all the time, so it's no big deal." Jacquie walked toward the futon while Jay went
toward the kitchen; Jacquie went looking for the cat. "Hello, Gracie! We're home! Hey
Gracie, what'cha got there? AIEEEEK! Drop it, drop it, drop it!"
Hearing the scream, Jay turned to see Gracie bolt toward the refridgerator with a
gray bloody mouse dangling out of her mouth. "Get that fuzzy cat!" Jay gave chase to
Gracie, knocking over various items in the apartment, until the cat spat out the mouse in
the middle of the living room and hid under the futon. The mouse was still breathing and
twitching its limbs; Jacquie convulsed in sheer panic.
"Ohmygod, ohmygod!" Jacquie shrieked, "Oh fuzzy weasels, get rid if it! Get rid of
it!"
Jay grabbed the mouse by the tail, but Jacquie squealed louder. "No, no, no! Don't do
that, it'll bleed on my clean floor! Use a paper towel!"
"Jacquie, it won't bleed on your floor worse than it is!"
"Get rid it before Gracie gets it again!" Jay sighed and scooped up the bloody mouse
mess in a paper towel; the two heard knocking at the front door.
"LAPD!"
"Oh, shinola!" Jay answered the door to see two LAPD officers; Jay let them inside.
"We got a call about a domestic disturbance in here."
"Oh, no no. My girlfriend's cat chewed up a mouse and she got really frightened.
Wanna see?" Jay opened the paper towel to reveal the now-dead mouse and both officers'
faces curdled.
"Oh my, that's quite disgusting. Is that your girlfriend in the other area?"
"Yes, officer." Jacquie walked over, pale in the face and still shaking.
"Ma'am, do you know this gentleman?"
"Yes, yes, we do a comedy show together and he lives here. He didn't hurt me, I was
screaming at the mouse!" One of the officers examined Jacquie while the other saw Gracie
exit from under the futon, licking the blood off of her fur.
"That's the cat, ma'am?"
"Yes, that's my Gracie. Twenty years old and can still catch mice."
The officers scribbled on a notepad; after taking names and signatures, the two began
to leave.
"Okay, you two, we are all set. No more screaming and yelling, okay?"
"You need the mouse?"
"No, no, go ahead and throw that away. Have a good night."
The officers left and Jay tossed the mouse carcass in the trash. After washing his
hands in the bathroom, he looked over to see Jacquie sitting on the futon, no longer
shaking but taking deep breaths to calm herself down.
"Jacquie, you okay?"
"Kinda. I just have a thing against half-dead chewed-up rodents." Her voice was still
shaky. "I hope we don't end up on an episode of COPS."
"If we do, we had our shirts on. C'mere and I'll hug ya." Jay sat down and wrapped
his arms around her; Jacquie put her hands on his shoulder blades. She rested her head in
the soft nest of Jay's hair and felt the warmth of his body and him rubbing her back.
Both of their heartbeats were pounding, hers in fright and his in arousal. "You feeling
better?"
"Yeah. Jay?"
"Yeah?"
Jacquie picked her head up and looked at Jay straight in the face. "Did you mean it
when you told that officer that I was your girlfriend?"
"Well, kinda, I mean..."
"You mean what?"
Jay leaned in and kissed Jacquie on the lips, a warm tingle shot through their
bodies. When he let go, he opened his eyes to see a wide-eyed Jacquie with a grin on her
face. Rats, Jay thought, she isn't ready...
"What was that?!?" she chirped in amusement, "I never felt that good before!"
"That's love." Jay cooed, "and we both love each other."
"If that's the case," Jacquie said as she kissed him on the lips, "all those sappy
love songs on the radio make a lot more sense." The two began French kissing and the
tingle returned stronger than before; lying down on the futon, the two kissed for the
rest of the night. Oblivious to the both of them, Gracie caught another mouse and
shredded it apart under the futon.
"I still don't know how you can drink coffee in this heat, Jay."
Sitting in a Starbucks with his comedian friend Nicholas Holt, Jay sipped on a tall
latte'. Holt was a stocky balding man in his mid-forties who always wore baseball jerseys
and a badly maintained goatee. Holt was the first comedian Jay befriended when he moved
from New York City to Los Angeles. Both came to the Starbucks to escape the sweltering
one hundred degree heat in the coffee house's icy air conditioning.
"I told you before, cold coffee is a sin. As Jacquie would say, 'it's right up there
with telemarketers, pop-up ads and plus-sized tube tops'."
Nick rolled his eyes. "There you go, talking about Jacquie again."
"I can't help it. She's one of the greatest ladies I've ever met. Trust me, she's a
real lady. Ever since I moved in with her, my clothes are always clean and my stomach is
always full."
Nick sipped on his iced mocha. "I bet your dick is always spit-shined, too."
Jay lowed his gaze. "Well, no, definitely no. She has no idea I have a crush on her."
"A crush? C'mon, Jay, this isn't high school. You're deep-shit in love with her."
"I don't know about that."
Nick shook his head in disgust. "Okay then, caveman, answer a couple of questions for
me then. When is her birthday?"
"Fourth of July," Jay replied without hesitation, "she said her dad would buy her
firecrackers every year, and one time she burned a hole in her pants while lighting a
bottle rocket."
"What an image that is. So, what's her favorite color?"
"Green. She says it matches and her eyes and the fields of Ireland. She's been to
Ireland a few times to see her relatives."
"Lucky girl. Favorite food?"
"Lasagna with meat sauce. Her favorite cake is German chocolate and her favorite
movie is anything with Will Ferrell in it." Jay hung his head again. "Holy shinola, Nick,
I am in deep!"
"Deep? Fuck, you're in subterranean territory, pal. You know more about your lady
friend than I know about my wife!" Nick finished his mocha.
"So how did you, y'know, tell your wife you loved her?"
"It's simple. You give Jacquie hugs, right?"
"Only if she hugs me first."
"Well, next time you're hugging, give her a smootch on the lips. If she pulls away,
she's not interested. If she smiles, she's not ready. If she kisses you back, she's not
just a friend. It's as simple as that. Oh, and if she starts biting and it leaves marks,
call the police."
***
Jacquie sat in a nail salon, getting fills done to her acrylic nails and chatting
with the manicurist, a beautiful Cantonese woman named Yi. Yi's salon was a hard-to-find
upper room in Chinatown, but Yi's handiwork was the best quality at an affordable price.
Despite the language barrier, Yi's voice was warm and friendly.
"I know I let them grow out too much, Yi, but I've been busy."
"You admit it, yes. You busy with what?"
"Well, I have a comedy act with another comedian. We're getting bookings all over
L.A. and the surrounding suburbs and towns."
"Oh, good good. What his name?"
"His name is Jay London. He's a very nice guy and he's very funny. He even lives with
me."
"He live with you, yes? He like you?"
"Well, we're very good friends. We go out to eat sometimes, or we go to a movie or a
comedy show, but that's it. We're just friends, that's all."
"That nice. He handsome?"
"To me, he is. He's got those gorgeous brown eyes and he's got nice thick muscles. Oh
and the hair; he's got long curly hair that's very soft. He's got a great personality
too; he's very sweet and laid back. He loves my cooking and he even notices when I clean
the apartment or do his laundry. I swear, when he looks into my eyes, Yi, he's got the
sweetest puppy dog face in the world. Mmmm, he's quite a guy." Jacquie leaned back into
the chair, causing Yi to pull on her arm and causing Jacquie's elbow to pop.
POP!
Yi rubbed Jacquie's elbow. "Oh, so sorry! That hurt?"
"No, but I found out my elbow talks." Jacquie sat back up.
"Look, I manicurist, not brain doctor, but I see more than friends you two."
"What?"
"You love him. Simple."
"Love? Oh, no no no. Well, I don't think we're that far, anyway."
"I do. I married fifteen years, I know love when I see."
Jacquie bit her lip. "How do I know if it's love?"
Yi smiled. "You in trouble, he protect you. He save you in needy time. Man lay life
for woman, woman care for man. It is duty."
Jacquie shot Yi a confused look. "So if, say, I stepped out on a busy street and he
gets hit by the car while pushing me to safety, that's love?"
"If I understand right, yes."
Jacquie smiled. "Well, that's great advice."
"That be five dollar. I put on bill."
***
"I can't get this damn earworm out of my head!"
"An earworm? Should I call the doctor?"
Jay and Jacquie performed to a sold-out crowd in The Monologue, a warehouse-turned-
comedy-club that had its grand opening that night. Jay was in his usual muscle shirt and
overalls while Jacquie wore a white linen babydoll frock and knee-high boots.
"No, Jay, an earworm is a chorus to a song that repeats in your head over and over.
If it's the whole song, that's an ear virus."
"Ear virus...does the CDC know about this? If it spreads to more than one person, is
it an ear pandemic? How about if it speads worldwide, is it an ear epidemic?"
"Yes, Jay, it's an ear-pidemic."
Amisdt the laughter, the two shook hands and gave their farewells; the crowd
responded with a standing ovation. After signing autographs-and signing the club's wall
as a memento-the two headed back to the apartment. Despite the fact that it was night,
the air was still heavy with heat and humidity.
"Sheesh, babe," Jay said as they reached the apartment, "how can you wear boots in
this weather?"
"They go with the dress and I'm used to the humidity from the Michigan
summers...wait, did you just call me 'babe'?"
"Oh! Uh, it slipped. I'm sorry if I offended you."
Jacquie unlocked the door, giving Jay a playful smirk. "No worries. People call me
'babe' all the time, so it's no big deal." Jacquie walked toward the futon while Jay went
toward the kitchen; Jacquie went looking for the cat. "Hello, Gracie! We're home! Hey
Gracie, what'cha got there? AIEEEEK! Drop it, drop it, drop it!"
Hearing the scream, Jay turned to see Gracie bolt toward the refridgerator with a
gray bloody mouse dangling out of her mouth. "Get that fuzzy cat!" Jay gave chase to
Gracie, knocking over various items in the apartment, until the cat spat out the mouse in
the middle of the living room and hid under the futon. The mouse was still breathing and
twitching its limbs; Jacquie convulsed in sheer panic.
"Ohmygod, ohmygod!" Jacquie shrieked, "Oh fuzzy weasels, get rid if it! Get rid of
it!"
Jay grabbed the mouse by the tail, but Jacquie squealed louder. "No, no, no! Don't do
that, it'll bleed on my clean floor! Use a paper towel!"
"Jacquie, it won't bleed on your floor worse than it is!"
"Get rid it before Gracie gets it again!" Jay sighed and scooped up the bloody mouse
mess in a paper towel; the two heard knocking at the front door.
"LAPD!"
"Oh, shinola!" Jay answered the door to see two LAPD officers; Jay let them inside.
"We got a call about a domestic disturbance in here."
"Oh, no no. My girlfriend's cat chewed up a mouse and she got really frightened.
Wanna see?" Jay opened the paper towel to reveal the now-dead mouse and both officers'
faces curdled.
"Oh my, that's quite disgusting. Is that your girlfriend in the other area?"
"Yes, officer." Jacquie walked over, pale in the face and still shaking.
"Ma'am, do you know this gentleman?"
"Yes, yes, we do a comedy show together and he lives here. He didn't hurt me, I was
screaming at the mouse!" One of the officers examined Jacquie while the other saw Gracie
exit from under the futon, licking the blood off of her fur.
"That's the cat, ma'am?"
"Yes, that's my Gracie. Twenty years old and can still catch mice."
The officers scribbled on a notepad; after taking names and signatures, the two began
to leave.
"Okay, you two, we are all set. No more screaming and yelling, okay?"
"You need the mouse?"
"No, no, go ahead and throw that away. Have a good night."
The officers left and Jay tossed the mouse carcass in the trash. After washing his
hands in the bathroom, he looked over to see Jacquie sitting on the futon, no longer
shaking but taking deep breaths to calm herself down.
"Jacquie, you okay?"
"Kinda. I just have a thing against half-dead chewed-up rodents." Her voice was still
shaky. "I hope we don't end up on an episode of COPS."
"If we do, we had our shirts on. C'mere and I'll hug ya." Jay sat down and wrapped
his arms around her; Jacquie put her hands on his shoulder blades. She rested her head in
the soft nest of Jay's hair and felt the warmth of his body and him rubbing her back.
Both of their heartbeats were pounding, hers in fright and his in arousal. "You feeling
better?"
"Yeah. Jay?"
"Yeah?"
Jacquie picked her head up and looked at Jay straight in the face. "Did you mean it
when you told that officer that I was your girlfriend?"
"Well, kinda, I mean..."
"You mean what?"
Jay leaned in and kissed Jacquie on the lips, a warm tingle shot through their
bodies. When he let go, he opened his eyes to see a wide-eyed Jacquie with a grin on her
face. Rats, Jay thought, she isn't ready...
"What was that?!?" she chirped in amusement, "I never felt that good before!"
"That's love." Jay cooed, "and we both love each other."
"If that's the case," Jacquie said as she kissed him on the lips, "all those sappy
love songs on the radio make a lot more sense." The two began French kissing and the
tingle returned stronger than before; lying down on the futon, the two kissed for the
rest of the night. Oblivious to the both of them, Gracie caught another mouse and
shredded it apart under the futon.
Crashpost: My first post!
Hello, fellow bloggers!
My name is Jackie Riley, aka Crash. That's my real nickname, don't ask. Anyway, I live in a tiny town in northern Michigan and I'm a writer. Well, a novice writer...hell, a wannabe-but-need-some-serious-help writer. One suggestion was to create a blog to show off my writing talent, so here it is for all of you to see: It Sounded Funny When I Wrote It... Here on this blog, I will post chapters from books I am writing, some jokes I have written, anything I wrote from my vast humor bank lodged in my head. I won't dawdle about my personal life (that's on my other blog on Myspace, http://www.myspace.com/purplelleopardprint) or pop culture or how much the president sucks; this is just a blog on things I have written. Want to comment? Go ahead, I need all the help I can get. Advice? Go for it? Want to send me a bologna sandwich? Hey, how'd you know I was hungry? Anyway, enjoy the blog and please don't throw rotten fruit on me.
'Til cows fly,
Crash
My name is Jackie Riley, aka Crash. That's my real nickname, don't ask. Anyway, I live in a tiny town in northern Michigan and I'm a writer. Well, a novice writer...hell, a wannabe-but-need-some-serious-help writer. One suggestion was to create a blog to show off my writing talent, so here it is for all of you to see: It Sounded Funny When I Wrote It... Here on this blog, I will post chapters from books I am writing, some jokes I have written, anything I wrote from my vast humor bank lodged in my head. I won't dawdle about my personal life (that's on my other blog on Myspace, http://www.myspace.com/purplelleopardprint) or pop culture or how much the president sucks; this is just a blog on things I have written. Want to comment? Go ahead, I need all the help I can get. Advice? Go for it? Want to send me a bologna sandwich? Hey, how'd you know I was hungry? Anyway, enjoy the blog and please don't throw rotten fruit on me.
'Til cows fly,
Crash
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